Heart Center of the Rockies Half Marathon, Loveland, Colorado, November 1, 2008

Race Number 23
Dear reader: Below is a “slight” rewrite of Chapter 2 and 3 of Genesis for this half marathon in Loveland, Colorado. My last rewrite of Genesis, was met with critical disdain by the biblical archeology community. Awe, too bad, huh?

Genesis 2 and 3:
And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made and he rested. Despite getting a bit bored with the Seraph’s vs. Angel’s annual celebrity lawn bowling match, the day of rest still produced a few hallelujahs.

God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it but decided He would organize another half marathon race in Colorado to commemorate the day.

The LORD God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to run on the ground. So, the LORD God formed a man-runner of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life (plus a few pints of orange flavored Gatorade). And the man-runner became a living soul [man] and the LORD God had formed a man-runner of “exceptional” talent and ability (Ok, what would you expect me to write…... that God created junk?).

And then the LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden (i.e. Boulder/Loveland; Colorado) and there he put the man-runner whom he had formed in the midst of the hills and valleys of Eden (Yea, how about 1-3% grade for 11 of the 13 miles). And out of the ground the LORD God made to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight; as well as the tree of life in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of Performance Enhancing Drugs.

And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, “Prior to your race thou mayest freely eat of every tree of the garden. But of the tree of the knowledge of Performance Enhancing Drugs, thou shalt not eat of it for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. Your disappointment with your finishing times has to be dealt with in another way, o sluggard of minimum ability.”

And the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should run alone; I will create for him some competition. And out of the ground the LORD God formed every type of the runner, some thin, some heavy, some fleet, some slow. Then the LORD God brought them unto the man-runner to see what he would call them. And whatsoever the man-runner called every living creature that was the name thereof. Except that the LORD God had to edit that list because some of the names used by the smart-mouthed man-runner-sinner were not very nice, sarcastic or generally not very edifying. The man-runner-sinner was put in “time out” for those transgressions and forced to eat the locust and lima beans.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: At this point, you will usually see the text regarding the rib being removed etc., etc., but I am not giving up any ribs to form a female that may humiliate me in the race. They will just have to be formed out of dirt like all the other “man”-runners).

And the LORD God caused the race to proceed.

Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field of runners which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the man-runner, “Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?”

And the man-runner said unto the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden and the bagels and bananas and even the gel packs in the middle of the race. But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, the tree of Performance Enhancing Drugs, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die (or at least get a bad rash). So…..I will not be tempted to use anything that improves my dismal and disappointing race time, oh cunning and wily one!”

And the serpent said unto the man-runner, “Ye shall not surely die (or get a rash)! You will become rich and famous! The performance enhancing drugs will allow you to experience the same feigned achievements of sinners like Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Marion Jones, and Mark McGuire. Ye shall be as a god, knowing very little good and a whole lot of evil and torment.”

The man-runner was disgusted by all this and continued to lose faith and admiration for most everyone in professional sports. And then the man-runner heard the voice of the LORD God as he walked in the garden and the LORD God called unto the man-runner, and said unto him, “Just enjoy your races, oh slow of foot, and quit worrying about your finishing times. Enjoy the purity of your sport and continue to spend your money on running shoes, entry fees and powdered Gatorade (which saves you at least $20 over the pre-mixed, bottled variety). Those who have made a mockery of sport will surely die.”

And the man-runner crossed the finish line with peace in his heart and pain in his legs. And the LORD God saw that it was good.

Prayer List: Diana Rubenking (miles 1 & 2) and Kevin Rubenking (miles 3 & 4), husband and wife, both fighting and recovering from cancer. Miles 5/6 and 7/8: Lindsay and Greg Reevie and Patrick and Gayle Caudill, two couples I “married off” in the last two months. Mile 9/10: Our beloved former teacher at JA, Jared Johnson married his sweetheart, Amanda, on October 19th. Mile 11/12: Jacob Elick (one of my fifth graders and son of one of my teachers) who is dealing with Eosinophilic Gastrointestinal Disease which causes food to be seen in the body as an infection and the white blood cells attack the healthy tissue in the digestive tract. Miles 12 & 13: Becky Welch (and family), 6th grade teacher at JA. Becky had a miscarriage this week. This would have been their third child.