Number 18 (82 to go)
Below, is the original short story, “Wizard of the Road” written by Emile Munier of Paris, France (he really did exist-but he was a painter). Frank Baum was inspired by Emile’s manuscript and rewrote the story into a mediocre fantasy and called it the “Wizard of Oz.”
The following is an abridged and modern version of Emile’s classic. The original manuscript rests in the tomb of Napoleon the III.
Once upon a time, a girl named Dorothy Gazordenplatts lived in the midst of the great Kansas prairies, with her Uncle Henry, who was a farmer, and her Aunt Em, who was her uncle’s wife. Dorothy had a boy friend, Mikie Toto, a half marathoner on the weekends, and a manure salesman during the week.
As Dorothy and Mikie sat on the porch of her uncle’s lavish 1.3 million dollars farm house nestled in the pasture and farm land of the Oz Hills Estates, Dorothy was doing her best to console her boyfriend. “Mikie, you have to forget your last marathon before you try another, big boy (Dorothy always thought Mikie was pretty hunky!). Your mind cannot know what is coming! Three half marathons in three weeks, plus the Horsetooth tragedy, could make a tin man lose heart and Hillary Clinton seek one out.”
Nonetheless, Mikie could not accept the fact that he should not run a third race in as many weeks and Mikie clung to the fantasy that this race through Oz Land would be his shining moment in half marathon history. His fantasy of this race included weather that was perfect, a course that was clear and fast, and a race in which all the other runners were having a bad day. With those visions in his mind, Mikie ignored the advice of Dorothy, Dr. Phil and even Pope Benedict and he signed up for the race. He had to: “Because, because, because, because, because …….. because of the wonderful things he does.”
Sadly, Mikie’s fantasy turned into quite an interesting psychodrama! The actual race had many unforeseen factors that Mikie would experience after the starting gun was fired. They were as follows:
1.) All the runners were required to run on a narrow yellow brick path while being harassed by tornado strength winds and tormented by a very Wicked Witch from Colorado (aka Mrs. Broomstick Grant) swooping down on the runners as they tried to complete the course. A little water dumped on the Wicked Witch at the third water station melted her intentions AND her! (It is ok for the reader to see and hear, in their mind’s eye, the cackle & shrill of the witch saying: I’m melting, I’m melting-you will not be punished by God......good always triumphs over evil).
2.) Mikie had to contend with a geriatric man dressed in a silver running suit (seriously). This man, of apparent bionic abilities, seemed to be having mechanical difficulties. He persisted in dropping multiple “gifts” from his body (nuts, bolts, gears and crankcase oil) along the path. Mikie had to jump over these deposits which effected his stride, significantly.
3.) A cowardly Kansas State Wildcat cheerleader had to be subdued by Mikie, (aka the University of California Alum). Mikie showed incredible courage (the poor Kansas Jay Hawk runners tried to beat back the Wild Cat runner, but failed and needed the help of the indomitable Bruin/Highlander) by beating the Wildcat by MANY minutes (even though there was an age difference of well over 35 years).
4.) And, last but not least, Mikie SHAMED a runner representing the Obama Presidential Campaign on a 4.8% hill by Kansas University’s Memorial Stadium (I am not kidding-the dope was wearing an Obama shirt on Bob Doyle/Eisenhower terra firma). Hopefully, this trumping foretells future scenes of a political campaign built within a house of straw or at least a candidate with NO BRAIN. Bottom-line, the straw man was blown apart as the Republican runner (i.e. Mikie) blew past him (there WAS thunderous applause as Mikie motored past the “mule”).
Time: 2:09:19. Certainly not Billy Mills or Jim Ryun time (both Kansas natives) but my 4th fastest time and a WHOLE lot better than the Horsetooth, last week. If I had worn Jared Johnson’s (former teacher at JA-now in MN, in love!) ruby-sequined running shoes I am QUITE SURE I would have had my best time ever.
Prayer List: JA employees: cafeteria workers, occupational therapist, Spanish teacher, playground supervisor, janitor, financial admin. asst, technology teacher, special ed. teacher, clinic aide, educational assistant, the principal's admin. asst. and the 13th mile was a prayer for my entire JA staff (66 very special people)!!!
Next Race: The Nike 5K to raise money for our school, which I will not write about. I heard that "Oh, thank God!" (I took 2nd place in my age division last year). Then the dreaded Colfax Marathon in May. I am going to rest and train "lightly" for a couple of weeks, unless I have to run from lions and tigers and bears, (oh my), again!
Horsetooth Half Marathon, Fort Collins, Colorado, April 13, 2008
Race Number 17-this was the toughest one I have ever run.
“Doctor, doctor! I think we are beginning to lose him.” Nurse Ratched exclaims as she tries to hide the fact that she has shut off all life support systems to the infamous half-marathoner, Mikie Munier.
Dr. Kevorkian responds, “You wench! You were supposed to tell me when his Gatorade levels dropped below acceptable levels! Do you think that a runner of his caliber (i.e. low) can be sustained on a cheap sports drink and a banana? My research has shown that runners need a balanced diet of Twinkies, Hostess crème filled cupcakes, with the squiggly on top, (no substitutes) AND Brussels sprouts, braised with chestnuts in a brown sauce that has been thickened with an arrowroot roux! THERE IS NO TIME TO WASTE! He needs that plump yet manageable suppository full of the essence of a double caramel latte/non-fat/no whip/with sprinkles, inserted as quickly as possible!! It is his only chance at survival!”
Nurse Ratched needed no more encouragement. Her malevolent mind began to languish in delivering some additional pain to her nemesis and “McMurphy look-alike.”
“Nurse, hand me his electroencephalography (EEG) results!” barks Dr. Kevorkian. He begins to examine the chart below. (the first spike is Monster Mountain, the second, Dam Mountain)
In a shrill voice, the doctor exclaims, “Wait, this is not his EEG……. this is the course profile for the race this idiot was running when he collapsed at the finish line. Boy, he had to scale some very steep hills. The 9.2%, 6.4%, 5.9% and 5.1% hills would make a roadrunner (beep, beep) puke, puke! Any one of those hills could have instigated the heart, lung and leg problems. I understand his legs completely failed him on the downward miles.”
Nurse Ratched smirked. She did not like seeing Munier/McMurphy getting all this attention, especially when you consider that she thought he was better prepared for the downhill miles. She pushed a bit harder on the suppository instrument.
Within minutes, Mikie was revived (although a suppository with a double mocha/whole milk/ with whip, would have been more effective)!
With the heart of a caring psychoanalyst, Dr. Kevorkian then asked Mikie, “Granted, you are a stupid and ignorant soul, but tell me, why would any sane or partially-balanced person attempt a race with the elevation and hill challenges that this race provided?”
Mikie, in his most convincing and existential voice and tone said, “Well, Doctor [of Death], I like running hills because you can see the top. You know that the hill is not going to keep appearing; it is there and once you get to the top, it is behind you, and you feel as though you have conquered something.”
The Doctor rubbed his chin for a short moment, picked at his left nostril and then glanced at Nurse Ratched and said, “Get my largest syringe full of my Kevorkian cocktail. I need to put this guy out of his misery!”
Time for this race: 2:24:50 (I think my worse time). Three and a half miles of steep hills, intestinal issues prior to the race, and poor sleep took their toll on my legs. I could not move them quick enough. Nevertheless, ending at the New Belgium Brewery was a special treat for obvious reasons!
.
Prayer List: Jefferson Academy staff including our special education staff (2), literacy specialists (2), enrichment specialists (2), clinic aide, librarian, permanent sub, administrative assistant, and our general music teacher as well as two of our educational assistants. Extraordinary folks with wonderful hearts and teaching gifts!
Next race: Would you believe, next Sunday in Kansas? I am not that concerned with the race or whether my body can handle it (ha!). Its the lions and tigers and bears (OH MY!).
“Doctor, doctor! I think we are beginning to lose him.” Nurse Ratched exclaims as she tries to hide the fact that she has shut off all life support systems to the infamous half-marathoner, Mikie Munier.
Dr. Kevorkian responds, “You wench! You were supposed to tell me when his Gatorade levels dropped below acceptable levels! Do you think that a runner of his caliber (i.e. low) can be sustained on a cheap sports drink and a banana? My research has shown that runners need a balanced diet of Twinkies, Hostess crème filled cupcakes, with the squiggly on top, (no substitutes) AND Brussels sprouts, braised with chestnuts in a brown sauce that has been thickened with an arrowroot roux! THERE IS NO TIME TO WASTE! He needs that plump yet manageable suppository full of the essence of a double caramel latte/non-fat/no whip/with sprinkles, inserted as quickly as possible!! It is his only chance at survival!”
Nurse Ratched needed no more encouragement. Her malevolent mind began to languish in delivering some additional pain to her nemesis and “McMurphy look-alike.”
“Nurse, hand me his electroencephalography (EEG) results!” barks Dr. Kevorkian. He begins to examine the chart below. (the first spike is Monster Mountain, the second, Dam Mountain)
In a shrill voice, the doctor exclaims, “Wait, this is not his EEG……. this is the course profile for the race this idiot was running when he collapsed at the finish line. Boy, he had to scale some very steep hills. The 9.2%, 6.4%, 5.9% and 5.1% hills would make a roadrunner (beep, beep) puke, puke! Any one of those hills could have instigated the heart, lung and leg problems. I understand his legs completely failed him on the downward miles.”
Nurse Ratched smirked. She did not like seeing Munier/McMurphy getting all this attention, especially when you consider that she thought he was better prepared for the downhill miles. She pushed a bit harder on the suppository instrument.
Within minutes, Mikie was revived (although a suppository with a double mocha/whole milk/ with whip, would have been more effective)!
With the heart of a caring psychoanalyst, Dr. Kevorkian then asked Mikie, “Granted, you are a stupid and ignorant soul, but tell me, why would any sane or partially-balanced person attempt a race with the elevation and hill challenges that this race provided?”
Mikie, in his most convincing and existential voice and tone said, “Well, Doctor [of Death], I like running hills because you can see the top. You know that the hill is not going to keep appearing; it is there and once you get to the top, it is behind you, and you feel as though you have conquered something.”
The Doctor rubbed his chin for a short moment, picked at his left nostril and then glanced at Nurse Ratched and said, “Get my largest syringe full of my Kevorkian cocktail. I need to put this guy out of his misery!”
Time for this race: 2:24:50 (I think my worse time). Three and a half miles of steep hills, intestinal issues prior to the race, and poor sleep took their toll on my legs. I could not move them quick enough. Nevertheless, ending at the New Belgium Brewery was a special treat for obvious reasons!
.
Prayer List: Jefferson Academy staff including our special education staff (2), literacy specialists (2), enrichment specialists (2), clinic aide, librarian, permanent sub, administrative assistant, and our general music teacher as well as two of our educational assistants. Extraordinary folks with wonderful hearts and teaching gifts!
Next race: Would you believe, next Sunday in Kansas? I am not that concerned with the race or whether my body can handle it (ha!). Its the lions and tigers and bears (OH MY!).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
