Race Number 25: This race was run in honor of my old high school friend, Andy Cummins. Andy passed after battling cancer for the last couple of years. Andy was a leader on the football field and in our new high school in Costa Mesa, California. He made high school a lot of fun! I ran with a very heavy heart.
State Number 5!
Why runners competed in the Run from an Angel Race in Boulder City, Nevada:
(This is an “official” Gallup poll conducted on race day, in descending order-runners could state two reasons-there is a 3% error factor.)
97%.....of the runners "begged" to run in a race with rolling 3%-8% hills and a 20-25 knot (22-27 mph) blowing in their face (HA!).
25%.....of the runners had not read their Bible in a year and thought this might make things right with “the Big Guy Upstairs.”
17%.....of the runners were told by the Flamingo Hotel and Casino that Victoria Secret Angel Wings were being offered as a promotion if you stayed at their hotel/casino AND ran in the race. Most of these participants had home addresses in San Francisco.
16%.....of the runners saw a chance to impress their bookie with their running ability, hoping to escape a beating for not paying for Bowl game losses.
15%....of the runners got on the wrong bus after leaving the Wayne Newton concert and were trying to make the best of their situation by running in the race singing annoying renditions of “Danke Schoen” throughout the race. (Altogether now, ……..Danke Schoen, darling, Danke Schoen…….now try to get THAT out of your head, uh?!? OMG!)
9%.....of the runners thought they were going to run with a “Real Charlie’s Angel,” like Cheryl Ladd or Drew Barrymore.
8%.....of the runners found out that free falling from the Hoover Dam was being discouraged that day so they punished themselves in this race instead.
4%.....of the runners were running in the race because they had not switched to Mastercard or could not answer the question “What’s in your wallet?”
3%.....of the runners ran in the race to be “Spiritual” instead of getting a Chinese tattoo on their buttock. (As George Carlin use to say, the tattoo you picked probably translates to 'beef with broccoli’ anyway, so don’t get one).
2%.....of the runners wanted to run with their new novelty sun glasses they picked up “cheap” at the local flea market.
Time: 2:31:05. This is the same course that “Run with the Devil Half Marathon” is run on in June in 115 degree heat. I placed FOURTH in this race in the 50-59 age bracket. Problem was, there were only 4 runners in the bracket! Whoop-tee-do!
Prayer List: Miles 1-2: Gini Granholm (Amanda Munier's mother and grandmother to Alexis) had gallbladder surgery and is recovering. Miles 3-4: Mrs. Grant’s (one of my 4th grade teachers) mother, recovering from a major illness. Miles 5-6: Prayers for a good relaxing vacation for my staff. Miles 7-9: Brian Spinnato (our Assistant Principal at our Secondary School) and family-new baby and his wife's health. Miles 10-13: Linda Balogh and family (Admin. Assistant at Secondary School) Linda’s dad passed away in the middle of December.
PS: The Garcia family presented me with a SHINY medal for race 24. They felt very sorry for me.
Rock Canyon Half Marathon, Pueblo,Colorado, December 6, 2008
Race Number 24 (and only 23 medals)
Hey, friends, Mikie’s phone here.
Mikie doesn’t have AT&T, so no bars out here in Pueblo, in the deep, deep South of Colorado, where 2% of the entire population of Colorado takes residence. Yeah, STUPID did not get the call that the race he is running in does not award a medal at the end of the race. That is REAL important to Mikie. Mikie has a big ego. He races to get the shiny stuff. Nothing more. He is quite vain. The only thing he will have to show for his 13.1 miles of agony and pain will be a high quality SWEATSHIRT in a subtle brown tone! Granted, it’s a nice one, but it is NOT SHINY and cannot be hung on his office wall where he likes to show off his running prowess. Mikie wishes the sweatshirt lettering glowed in the dark!
Yeah, Mikie the Idiot missed that call. Yeah, he has some memories, some pain, and did I mention, NO MEDAL! For the best coverage, switch to AT&T. More Bars in More Places. And, AT&T even works in Pueblo, Colorado.
Get an Exclusive Quick Messaging Phone for $79.99 after mail-in rebate. BUT, NO MEDAL! Get over it!
Hey, friends, Mikie’s phone here.
Mikie doesn’t have AT&T, so no bars out here in Pueblo, in the deep, deep South of Colorado, where 2% of the entire population of Colorado takes residence. Yeah, STUPID did not get the call that the race he is running in does not award a medal at the end of the race. That is REAL important to Mikie. Mikie has a big ego. He races to get the shiny stuff. Nothing more. He is quite vain. The only thing he will have to show for his 13.1 miles of agony and pain will be a high quality SWEATSHIRT in a subtle brown tone! Granted, it’s a nice one, but it is NOT SHINY and cannot be hung on his office wall where he likes to show off his running prowess. Mikie wishes the sweatshirt lettering glowed in the dark!
Yeah, Mikie the Idiot missed that call. Yeah, he has some memories, some pain, and did I mention, NO MEDAL! For the best coverage, switch to AT&T. More Bars in More Places. And, AT&T even works in Pueblo, Colorado.
Get an Exclusive Quick Messaging Phone for $79.99 after mail-in rebate. BUT, NO MEDAL! Get over it!
Time: 2:26:30. Pretty slow, AGAIN! Eight miles on a 1-2% grade (on trails) up to Pueblo Dam and the rest, flat or downhill. At least it felt that way. In fairness, the race did advertise that it was a "no frills" race. I just had to make a big deal out of not getting a medal. It is my nature you know! Otherwise, a well organized race mostly on trails. Boy, did I need trail shoes this time!
Prayer List: Miles: 1, 2 and 3: Dave, Sandi and Crissy Eason’s in El Salvador on a missions trip. Miles 4, 5 and 6: The Talley family: Mom recovering from surgery, dad headed into heart surgery and a son battling muscular dystrophy. Miles 7 and 8 : Scotte Burns (6th grade teacher at JA) and family: Scotte’s dad passed on Thanksgiving day at the age of 71. Miles 9 and 10: Kelly Greiman, longtime friend is headed into prostate surgery to remove cancer. Miles 11 and 12: Amanda Munier, taking the GMAT as I was running. Mile 13: Me (I drag at this portion of the race and have to yell at myself to keep going. I tried prayer, this time).
Heart Center of the Rockies Half Marathon, Loveland, Colorado, November 1, 2008
Race Number 23
Dear reader: Below is a “slight” rewrite of Chapter 2 and 3 of Genesis for this half marathon in Loveland, Colorado. My last rewrite of Genesis, was met with critical disdain by the biblical archeology community. Awe, too bad, huh?
Genesis 2 and 3:
And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made and he rested. Despite getting a bit bored with the Seraph’s vs. Angel’s annual celebrity lawn bowling match, the day of rest still produced a few hallelujahs.
God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it but decided He would organize another half marathon race in Colorado to commemorate the day.
The LORD God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to run on the ground. So, the LORD God formed a man-runner of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life (plus a few pints of orange flavored Gatorade). And the man-runner became a living soul [man] and the LORD God had formed a man-runner of “exceptional” talent and ability (Ok, what would you expect me to write…... that God created junk?).
And then the LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden (i.e. Boulder/Loveland; Colorado) and there he put the man-runner whom he had formed in the midst of the hills and valleys of Eden (Yea, how about 1-3% grade for 11 of the 13 miles). And out of the ground the LORD God made to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight; as well as the tree of life in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of Performance Enhancing Drugs.
And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, “Prior to your race thou mayest freely eat of every tree of the garden. But of the tree of the knowledge of Performance Enhancing Drugs, thou shalt not eat of it for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. Your disappointment with your finishing times has to be dealt with in another way, o sluggard of minimum ability.”
And the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should run alone; I will create for him some competition. And out of the ground the LORD God formed every type of the runner, some thin, some heavy, some fleet, some slow. Then the LORD God brought them unto the man-runner to see what he would call them. And whatsoever the man-runner called every living creature that was the name thereof. Except that the LORD God had to edit that list because some of the names used by the smart-mouthed man-runner-sinner were not very nice, sarcastic or generally not very edifying. The man-runner-sinner was put in “time out” for those transgressions and forced to eat the locust and lima beans.
(EDITOR’S NOTE: At this point, you will usually see the text regarding the rib being removed etc., etc., but I am not giving up any ribs to form a female that may humiliate me in the race. They will just have to be formed out of dirt like all the other “man”-runners).
And the LORD God caused the race to proceed.
Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field of runners which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the man-runner, “Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?”
And the man-runner said unto the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden and the bagels and bananas and even the gel packs in the middle of the race. But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, the tree of Performance Enhancing Drugs, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die (or at least get a bad rash). So…..I will not be tempted to use anything that improves my dismal and disappointing race time, oh cunning and wily one!”
And the serpent said unto the man-runner, “Ye shall not surely die (or get a rash)! You will become rich and famous! The performance enhancing drugs will allow you to experience the same feigned achievements of sinners like Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Marion Jones, and Mark McGuire. Ye shall be as a god, knowing very little good and a whole lot of evil and torment.”
The man-runner was disgusted by all this and continued to lose faith and admiration for most everyone in professional sports. And then the man-runner heard the voice of the LORD God as he walked in the garden and the LORD God called unto the man-runner, and said unto him, “Just enjoy your races, oh slow of foot, and quit worrying about your finishing times. Enjoy the purity of your sport and continue to spend your money on running shoes, entry fees and powdered Gatorade (which saves you at least $20 over the pre-mixed, bottled variety). Those who have made a mockery of sport will surely die.”
And the man-runner crossed the finish line with peace in his heart and pain in his legs. And the LORD God saw that it was good.
Prayer List: Diana Rubenking (miles 1 & 2) and Kevin Rubenking (miles 3 & 4), husband and wife, both fighting and recovering from cancer. Miles 5/6 and 7/8: Lindsay and Greg Reevie and Patrick and Gayle Caudill, two couples I “married off” in the last two months. Mile 9/10: Our beloved former teacher at JA, Jared Johnson married his sweetheart, Amanda, on October 19th. Mile 11/12: Jacob Elick (one of my fifth graders and son of one of my teachers) who is dealing with Eosinophilic Gastrointestinal Disease which causes food to be seen in the body as an infection and the white blood cells attack the healthy tissue in the digestive tract. Miles 12 & 13: Becky Welch (and family), 6th grade teacher at JA. Becky had a miscarriage this week. This would have been their third child.
Dear reader: Below is a “slight” rewrite of Chapter 2 and 3 of Genesis for this half marathon in Loveland, Colorado. My last rewrite of Genesis, was met with critical disdain by the biblical archeology community. Awe, too bad, huh?
Genesis 2 and 3:
And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made and he rested. Despite getting a bit bored with the Seraph’s vs. Angel’s annual celebrity lawn bowling match, the day of rest still produced a few hallelujahs.
God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it but decided He would organize another half marathon race in Colorado to commemorate the day.
The LORD God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to run on the ground. So, the LORD God formed a man-runner of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life (plus a few pints of orange flavored Gatorade). And the man-runner became a living soul [man] and the LORD God had formed a man-runner of “exceptional” talent and ability (Ok, what would you expect me to write…... that God created junk?).
And then the LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden (i.e. Boulder/Loveland; Colorado) and there he put the man-runner whom he had formed in the midst of the hills and valleys of Eden (Yea, how about 1-3% grade for 11 of the 13 miles). And out of the ground the LORD God made to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight; as well as the tree of life in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of Performance Enhancing Drugs.
And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, “Prior to your race thou mayest freely eat of every tree of the garden. But of the tree of the knowledge of Performance Enhancing Drugs, thou shalt not eat of it for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. Your disappointment with your finishing times has to be dealt with in another way, o sluggard of minimum ability.”
And the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should run alone; I will create for him some competition. And out of the ground the LORD God formed every type of the runner, some thin, some heavy, some fleet, some slow. Then the LORD God brought them unto the man-runner to see what he would call them. And whatsoever the man-runner called every living creature that was the name thereof. Except that the LORD God had to edit that list because some of the names used by the smart-mouthed man-runner-sinner were not very nice, sarcastic or generally not very edifying. The man-runner-sinner was put in “time out” for those transgressions and forced to eat the locust and lima beans.
(EDITOR’S NOTE: At this point, you will usually see the text regarding the rib being removed etc., etc., but I am not giving up any ribs to form a female that may humiliate me in the race. They will just have to be formed out of dirt like all the other “man”-runners).
And the LORD God caused the race to proceed.
Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field of runners which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the man-runner, “Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?”
And the man-runner said unto the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden and the bagels and bananas and even the gel packs in the middle of the race. But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, the tree of Performance Enhancing Drugs, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die (or at least get a bad rash). So…..I will not be tempted to use anything that improves my dismal and disappointing race time, oh cunning and wily one!”
And the serpent said unto the man-runner, “Ye shall not surely die (or get a rash)! You will become rich and famous! The performance enhancing drugs will allow you to experience the same feigned achievements of sinners like Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Marion Jones, and Mark McGuire. Ye shall be as a god, knowing very little good and a whole lot of evil and torment.”
The man-runner was disgusted by all this and continued to lose faith and admiration for most everyone in professional sports. And then the man-runner heard the voice of the LORD God as he walked in the garden and the LORD God called unto the man-runner, and said unto him, “Just enjoy your races, oh slow of foot, and quit worrying about your finishing times. Enjoy the purity of your sport and continue to spend your money on running shoes, entry fees and powdered Gatorade (which saves you at least $20 over the pre-mixed, bottled variety). Those who have made a mockery of sport will surely die.”
And the man-runner crossed the finish line with peace in his heart and pain in his legs. And the LORD God saw that it was good.
Prayer List: Diana Rubenking (miles 1 & 2) and Kevin Rubenking (miles 3 & 4), husband and wife, both fighting and recovering from cancer. Miles 5/6 and 7/8: Lindsay and Greg Reevie and Patrick and Gayle Caudill, two couples I “married off” in the last two months. Mile 9/10: Our beloved former teacher at JA, Jared Johnson married his sweetheart, Amanda, on October 19th. Mile 11/12: Jacob Elick (one of my fifth graders and son of one of my teachers) who is dealing with Eosinophilic Gastrointestinal Disease which causes food to be seen in the body as an infection and the white blood cells attack the healthy tissue in the digestive tract. Miles 12 & 13: Becky Welch (and family), 6th grade teacher at JA. Becky had a miscarriage this week. This would have been their third child.
New Mexico Half Marathon, Albuquerque, New Mexico, August 31, 2008
Race Number 22. State Number 4 (21 states to go).
Editor’s advice: To really "enjoy" this piece, you HAVE to have the tune and tempo of the song, "Imagine" by John Lennon playing in your head.
Title of Song: Imagine You’re a Marathoner (written by Yoko Ono for Mikie Marathoner)
"Imagine there's not enough water
It's easy if you try
Plenty of cloud cover above us
Covering the New Mexico sky
Imagine all the runners
Running down the hill... who, whoo-oooo
(Chorus)
You may say I'm a whiner
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll run with me
And the world will suffer as one.
Imagine there's not enough oxygen
It isn't hard to do
Especially when you’re on a plateau
In thin air, at altitude
Imagine all the runners
Wheezing along the trail...who, whoo-oooo
(Chorus)
You may say I'm a whiner
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll run with me
And the world will suffer as one.
Imagine you have paralyzing thigh pain
I wonder if you can
Extreme need for a porta-potty
A brotherhood of bladder pain
Imagine all the runners
Sharing all the “fun”...who, whoo-oooo
(Chorus)
You may say I'm a whiner
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll run with me
And the world will suffer as one.
Imagine you are developing a head cold,
It isn't hard to do,
Trying to run a fast time,
And getting frustrated too,
Imagine all the fast runners
Passing Mike like he's standing still.......who, whoo-oooo
(Chorus)
You may say I'm a whiner
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll run with me
And the world will suffer as one."
------------------------------------------------
Ok, Yoko really did not write this for me, but you bet she wish she had. Then she would get the royalty checks when it hits the charts in September.
Time: 2:19:24. Slower time again, but I finished with a developing head cold (the pesky bug took over my body once I finished the race-I am a sick puppy) and burning thighs. Yet, I finally got another state under my belt. “Only” twenty-one states and 78 marathons to go!
Prayer List: Samuel Garcia and Lynn Smith, both former students, were both diagnosed with Type I Diabetes this last week (I prayed for them on miles 1-3 & 4-6, respectively). Jerry Hollis (former Literature teacher at JA) and Cindy Rontanini (present Kindergarten teaching assistant at JA) have been battling cancer and are succeeding! Miles 7-9 were dedicated to Jerry and miles 10-13 were Cindy's! Healing to the all of you! I am not sure many of us could have the same attitudes the four of you have had through your ordeals.
Editor’s advice: To really "enjoy" this piece, you HAVE to have the tune and tempo of the song, "Imagine" by John Lennon playing in your head.
Title of Song: Imagine You’re a Marathoner (written by Yoko Ono for Mikie Marathoner)
"Imagine there's not enough water
It's easy if you try
Plenty of cloud cover above us
Covering the New Mexico sky
Imagine all the runners
Running down the hill... who, whoo-oooo
(Chorus)
You may say I'm a whiner
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll run with me
And the world will suffer as one.
Imagine there's not enough oxygen
It isn't hard to do
Especially when you’re on a plateau
In thin air, at altitude
Imagine all the runners
Wheezing along the trail...who, whoo-oooo
(Chorus)
You may say I'm a whiner
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll run with me
And the world will suffer as one.
Imagine you have paralyzing thigh pain
I wonder if you can
Extreme need for a porta-potty
A brotherhood of bladder pain
Imagine all the runners
Sharing all the “fun”...who, whoo-oooo
(Chorus)
You may say I'm a whiner
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll run with me
And the world will suffer as one.
Imagine you are developing a head cold,
It isn't hard to do,
Trying to run a fast time,
And getting frustrated too,
Imagine all the fast runners
Passing Mike like he's standing still.......who, whoo-oooo
(Chorus)
You may say I'm a whiner
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll run with me
And the world will suffer as one."
------------------------------------------------
Ok, Yoko really did not write this for me, but you bet she wish she had. Then she would get the royalty checks when it hits the charts in September.
Time: 2:19:24. Slower time again, but I finished with a developing head cold (the pesky bug took over my body once I finished the race-I am a sick puppy) and burning thighs. Yet, I finally got another state under my belt. “Only” twenty-one states and 78 marathons to go!
Prayer List: Samuel Garcia and Lynn Smith, both former students, were both diagnosed with Type I Diabetes this last week (I prayed for them on miles 1-3 & 4-6, respectively). Jerry Hollis (former Literature teacher at JA) and Cindy Rontanini (present Kindergarten teaching assistant at JA) have been battling cancer and are succeeding! Miles 7-9 were dedicated to Jerry and miles 10-13 were Cindy's! Healing to the all of you! I am not sure many of us could have the same attitudes the four of you have had through your ordeals.
Slacker (NOT!) Downhill Half Marathon, Georgetown, Colorado, June 28, 2008
Race Number 21 (or Mikie learns something from Bill Nye, the Science Guy)
I came upon this very informative lecture by Bill Nye, the Science Guy, that may help my "loyal" audience understand what I go through when I run at altitude. This race pushed me to the extreme, even though it was predominately downhill. I have a whooping high altitude headache to prove it and very sore quads and knees. I have added a few comments to Mr. Nye’s lecture (in red "pen", an educator's favorite tool) to help this classroom experience become more “relevant” for all of you!
The lecture is as follows:
“One of the major kinds of environmental stresses at high altitude, for humans, is the fact that the air pressure is lower. This is a significant limiting factor as you try to perform normal tasks (and how about running any distance at full tilt, e.g. 13.1 miles!).
The percentage of oxygen in the air at two miles (where the race started) is the same as at sea level (i.e. 21%). However, the air pressure is 30% lower at the higher altitude due to the fact that the atmosphere is less dense--(that is, the air molecules are farther apart.......for those of you who ARE NOT smarter than a fifth grader).
When we breathe in air at sea level, the atmospheric pressure is about 14.7 pounds per square inch. This causes oxygen to easily pass through selectively permeable lung membranes into the blood. At high altitudes, (where Mikie likes to punish himself) the lower air pressure makes it more difficult for oxygen to enter our vascular systems. The result is hypoxia, or oxygen deprivation (kind of like running with a piece of cellophane over your face). Hypoxia usually begins with the inability to do normal physical activities, such as climbing a short flight of stairs without fatigue (Stairs! Give me a break-I just ran 13.1 miles, Bill, .....when was the last time you exercised that puny body of yours?). Other early symptoms include a lack of appetite (not in my case, the beer and hot dog, at the end of the race, went down with ease), distorted vision (Ha! I got that in California watching girls on the beach when I was a teenager), and difficulty with memorizing and thinking clearly (uh….. try ‘most of my adult life’). In serious cases, pneumonia-like symptoms (i.e. pulmonary edema) and an abnormal accumulation of fluid around the brain (i.e. cerebral edema) develop (alright, no comments here from ANY of my readers), leading to death within a few days if there is not a return to normal air pressure levels (it has only been one day since the race so the ‘announcement’ of my demise will be out in a few more days). There is also an increased risk of heart failure due to the added stress placed on the lungs, heart, and arteries at high altitudes (DUH! – you don’t need an advanced science degree or a popular science show to figure that one out).” End of lecture.
I have, in the past, shared with some of you that I really enjoy going to a race at sea level because “I get to suck in 20% more oxygen and I run much, much better” (that fact is supported by my times which are often ten minutes faster than when I run at altitude). Well, I mis-spoke! It is not an oxygen issue; it is an air pressure issue. Excuuuuuuuuuuse me!
Time: 2:23:08. Pretty slow. This was a much harder race than what you might expect (going from 10,600 feet to 8,400 feet). Two plus hours of pounding on the knees and quads as you go down hill on an average 3% grade is really quite vicious and add to that the hypoxia issue, wow, this race hurt. PLUS, a 20 knot wind in the face negated the decline advantage. Yet, a fun one!!!
Prayer List: The maintenance crew at JA. Lots of hard work occurs during the summer to ready the buildings and outside areas for the new school year. These guys (and one gal) are amazing!
Next race: I cannot seem to find a half marathon in California during the weeks I plan on being there for my annual surfing safari. You may not hear from me for a while…….. maybe never again……especially if Mr. Nye is on target!
I came upon this very informative lecture by Bill Nye, the Science Guy, that may help my "loyal" audience understand what I go through when I run at altitude. This race pushed me to the extreme, even though it was predominately downhill. I have a whooping high altitude headache to prove it and very sore quads and knees. I have added a few comments to Mr. Nye’s lecture (in red "pen", an educator's favorite tool) to help this classroom experience become more “relevant” for all of you!
The lecture is as follows:
“One of the major kinds of environmental stresses at high altitude, for humans, is the fact that the air pressure is lower. This is a significant limiting factor as you try to perform normal tasks (and how about running any distance at full tilt, e.g. 13.1 miles!).
The percentage of oxygen in the air at two miles (where the race started) is the same as at sea level (i.e. 21%). However, the air pressure is 30% lower at the higher altitude due to the fact that the atmosphere is less dense--(that is, the air molecules are farther apart.......for those of you who ARE NOT smarter than a fifth grader).
When we breathe in air at sea level, the atmospheric pressure is about 14.7 pounds per square inch. This causes oxygen to easily pass through selectively permeable lung membranes into the blood. At high altitudes, (where Mikie likes to punish himself) the lower air pressure makes it more difficult for oxygen to enter our vascular systems. The result is hypoxia, or oxygen deprivation (kind of like running with a piece of cellophane over your face). Hypoxia usually begins with the inability to do normal physical activities, such as climbing a short flight of stairs without fatigue (Stairs! Give me a break-I just ran 13.1 miles, Bill, .....when was the last time you exercised that puny body of yours?). Other early symptoms include a lack of appetite (not in my case, the beer and hot dog, at the end of the race, went down with ease), distorted vision (Ha! I got that in California watching girls on the beach when I was a teenager), and difficulty with memorizing and thinking clearly (uh….. try ‘most of my adult life’). In serious cases, pneumonia-like symptoms (i.e. pulmonary edema) and an abnormal accumulation of fluid around the brain (i.e. cerebral edema) develop (alright, no comments here from ANY of my readers), leading to death within a few days if there is not a return to normal air pressure levels (it has only been one day since the race so the ‘announcement’ of my demise will be out in a few more days). There is also an increased risk of heart failure due to the added stress placed on the lungs, heart, and arteries at high altitudes (DUH! – you don’t need an advanced science degree or a popular science show to figure that one out).” End of lecture.
I have, in the past, shared with some of you that I really enjoy going to a race at sea level because “I get to suck in 20% more oxygen and I run much, much better” (that fact is supported by my times which are often ten minutes faster than when I run at altitude). Well, I mis-spoke! It is not an oxygen issue; it is an air pressure issue. Excuuuuuuuuuuse me!
Time: 2:23:08. Pretty slow. This was a much harder race than what you might expect (going from 10,600 feet to 8,400 feet). Two plus hours of pounding on the knees and quads as you go down hill on an average 3% grade is really quite vicious and add to that the hypoxia issue, wow, this race hurt. PLUS, a 20 knot wind in the face negated the decline advantage. Yet, a fun one!!!
Prayer List: The maintenance crew at JA. Lots of hard work occurs during the summer to ready the buildings and outside areas for the new school year. These guys (and one gal) are amazing!
Next race: I cannot seem to find a half marathon in California during the weeks I plan on being there for my annual surfing safari. You may not hear from me for a while…….. maybe never again……especially if Mr. Nye is on target!
Rocky Mountain Half Marathon, Denver, Colorado, June 8, 2008
Race Number 20
OnStar: Hello, this is OnStar
Customer Mikie Marathoner: [In a slightly whimpering voice] I’ve hit the “wall.” I need your help. I can’t make it up this hill to the end of the race. It is called Marine’s Hill and its slope is 5-10% for a whole mile!
OnStar: Is the wall ok, sir? I can send out a repair crew.
Customer Mikie Marathoner: No, you idiot, I have not hit “a” wall, I have hit “the” wall. I need help getting pass the imaginary, somewhat documented incident of hitting a point in the race when you think you have no more fuel in your tank to complete the race.
OnStar: OK, sir, I need you to stay with me and listen very closely. I’m going to ask you some diagnostic questions to pinpoint the problem. Do you own action figures?
Customer Mikie Marathoner: Uh, well…… I use too, when I was twelve years old. Actually they were LA Dodger bobble head dolls. Does that count?
OnStar: [partially off mic] We’ve got a real piece of work on the line, guys!
On Star: I guess that will do. Sir, how old are you?
Customer Mikie Marathoner: I am 39.
OnStar: Sir?
Customer Mikie Marathoner: OK, I am 51.
OnStar: Sir?
Customer Mikie Marathoner: [with obvious loathing] Oh, sweet Jesus! I am almost 59 years old. Why does that matter?
OnStar: Calm down, sir. It is standard procedure to ask that particular question when “Bobble Head Dolls” are the identified action figure. In my sensitivity training, I learned that people of your age really had no need for action figures because your creative minds had yet to be destroyed by Mattel Toys Inc.
Second question, sir....... If one of your Dodger bobble dolls were running this race, which one would it be, Maury Wills or Duke Snider?
Customer Mikie Marathoner: Well, Maury Wills, of course. He was a great, Gold Glove Dodger shortstop and set a major league record for stealing bases in 1962 (104) and beat Ty Cobb’s 1915 long-standing base stealing record (94). The “Duke” was a slow, slightly overweight right fielder with short legs and a beer belly. Nobody with the name "Duke" can run well anyway! (e.g. Marmaduke, Duke Ellington, Patty Duke, Duke of Earl, Dukie Houser, M.D., Duke Kahanamoku-The Father of Surfing-----you get my point)
OnStar: Good choice, sir. Now imagine you are Maury Wills as you climb that hill and get over that ridiculous imaginary wall you are letting hold you back. I want you to push yourself, HARD, and quit the stinking whining. Also, do not, I REPEAT, DO NOT bobble your head as you run as that will screw up your stride and it also looks very gawky. It could result in the need for chiropractic services which are not a part of your OnStar plan, unless you upgrade today.
Customer Mikie Marathoner: [with GREAT excitement] Oh, my! I can see Maury in my mind’s eye…. I am feeling empowered……. I am flying up the hill and through the “wall”……..OH, MY GOSH. ………………Ouch, THAT HURT!!!!
OnStar: Sir? Are you ok?
Customer Mikie Marathoner: Yeah, yeah, I forgot I was running a race and tried to slide into second base. I have lost at least ten layers of skin off my right buttock on the asphalt. Oh, my,………….there is a lot of blood running down my leg right into my Saucony Hurricane's. My foot feels kind of slushy in my shoe (Editor’s note: sorry, I could not resist getting a bit gross-I blame it on a mutated gene pool) .
OnStar: Sir, the imagery I helped you develop was only supposed to get you moving faster and not put you into a Timothy Leary state. According to our service agreement, you cannot file suit or expect us to pay for medical services at the end of the race. Excuse the reference, sir, but you are a REAL bobble head!
Customer Mikie Marathoner: Well, thank you anyway. [Then, in a deep, slow southern accent] OnStar, you have saved my life! Maybe I can thank you in person some time!
OnStar: We’d rather you didn’t, sir.
Time: My last minute entry into this race resulted in a terrible 2:26:54 time. I hardly trained for this event due to end-of-year school activities (and original plans to raft the Green River in Utah with the Granholm's, Amanda Munier's parents), running only 50 miles in May (I usually run 125-150 miles a month). May is a tough month to get mileage accrued. My time reflects this problem.
Prayer List: My 16 charter principal colleagues at the 15 charter schools in the Jeffco School District. They have worked hard, they are tired but as usual, another incredible year of achievement and service to kids.
Next Race: June 28th. The Slacker Half Marathon from Loveland Ski Resort, CO (10,600 ft) to Georgetown, CO (8,400 ft). It is known as the highest, downhill half marathon in the country.
OnStar: Hello, this is OnStar
Customer Mikie Marathoner: [In a slightly whimpering voice] I’ve hit the “wall.” I need your help. I can’t make it up this hill to the end of the race. It is called Marine’s Hill and its slope is 5-10% for a whole mile!
OnStar: Is the wall ok, sir? I can send out a repair crew.
Customer Mikie Marathoner: No, you idiot, I have not hit “a” wall, I have hit “the” wall. I need help getting pass the imaginary, somewhat documented incident of hitting a point in the race when you think you have no more fuel in your tank to complete the race.
OnStar: OK, sir, I need you to stay with me and listen very closely. I’m going to ask you some diagnostic questions to pinpoint the problem. Do you own action figures?
Customer Mikie Marathoner: Uh, well…… I use too, when I was twelve years old. Actually they were LA Dodger bobble head dolls. Does that count?
OnStar: [partially off mic] We’ve got a real piece of work on the line, guys!
On Star: I guess that will do. Sir, how old are you?
Customer Mikie Marathoner: I am 39.
OnStar: Sir?
Customer Mikie Marathoner: OK, I am 51.
OnStar: Sir?
Customer Mikie Marathoner: [with obvious loathing] Oh, sweet Jesus! I am almost 59 years old. Why does that matter?
OnStar: Calm down, sir. It is standard procedure to ask that particular question when “Bobble Head Dolls” are the identified action figure. In my sensitivity training, I learned that people of your age really had no need for action figures because your creative minds had yet to be destroyed by Mattel Toys Inc.
Second question, sir....... If one of your Dodger bobble dolls were running this race, which one would it be, Maury Wills or Duke Snider?
Customer Mikie Marathoner: Well, Maury Wills, of course. He was a great, Gold Glove Dodger shortstop and set a major league record for stealing bases in 1962 (104) and beat Ty Cobb’s 1915 long-standing base stealing record (94). The “Duke” was a slow, slightly overweight right fielder with short legs and a beer belly. Nobody with the name "Duke" can run well anyway! (e.g. Marmaduke, Duke Ellington, Patty Duke, Duke of Earl, Dukie Houser, M.D., Duke Kahanamoku-The Father of Surfing-----you get my point)
OnStar: Good choice, sir. Now imagine you are Maury Wills as you climb that hill and get over that ridiculous imaginary wall you are letting hold you back. I want you to push yourself, HARD, and quit the stinking whining. Also, do not, I REPEAT, DO NOT bobble your head as you run as that will screw up your stride and it also looks very gawky. It could result in the need for chiropractic services which are not a part of your OnStar plan, unless you upgrade today.
Customer Mikie Marathoner: [with GREAT excitement] Oh, my! I can see Maury in my mind’s eye…. I am feeling empowered……. I am flying up the hill and through the “wall”……..OH, MY GOSH. ………………Ouch, THAT HURT!!!!
OnStar: Sir? Are you ok?
Customer Mikie Marathoner: Yeah, yeah, I forgot I was running a race and tried to slide into second base. I have lost at least ten layers of skin off my right buttock on the asphalt. Oh, my,………….there is a lot of blood running down my leg right into my Saucony Hurricane's. My foot feels kind of slushy in my shoe (Editor’s note: sorry, I could not resist getting a bit gross-I blame it on a mutated gene pool) .
OnStar: Sir, the imagery I helped you develop was only supposed to get you moving faster and not put you into a Timothy Leary state. According to our service agreement, you cannot file suit or expect us to pay for medical services at the end of the race. Excuse the reference, sir, but you are a REAL bobble head!
Customer Mikie Marathoner: Well, thank you anyway. [Then, in a deep, slow southern accent] OnStar, you have saved my life! Maybe I can thank you in person some time!
OnStar: We’d rather you didn’t, sir.
Time: My last minute entry into this race resulted in a terrible 2:26:54 time. I hardly trained for this event due to end-of-year school activities (and original plans to raft the Green River in Utah with the Granholm's, Amanda Munier's parents), running only 50 miles in May (I usually run 125-150 miles a month). May is a tough month to get mileage accrued. My time reflects this problem.
Prayer List: My 16 charter principal colleagues at the 15 charter schools in the Jeffco School District. They have worked hard, they are tired but as usual, another incredible year of achievement and service to kids.
Next Race: June 28th. The Slacker Half Marathon from Loveland Ski Resort, CO (10,600 ft) to Georgetown, CO (8,400 ft). It is known as the highest, downhill half marathon in the country.
Colorado Colfax Half Marathon, Denver, Colorado, May 18, 2008
Race Number 19
This post is going to be different. It is not intended to be funny or clever. It is about a race that was run in which a father (me) reflects on and honors his two sons and prays for them nearly every step of the way, not caring much about his stride, his cadence or his breathing patterns. This race was a race about memories, pride and hope. My time was not great and my breathing was not smooth because my breathing was often interrupted by tears and choking back my personal joy as I pondered Cameron and Morgan's lives to this point.
Cameron graduated from the University of Colorado School of Law last weekend (the 113th commencement). He ranked in the top 15% of the class in a law school ranked 32nd in the nation and 7th in a twenty-eight state region including the Rockies, Mid-West and the South. He has already secured a clerkship with a Denver District Court Judge that may pave his way into any litigation firm or public defenders office he chooses to apply to in a year or two. Criminal law seems to be his direction at this moment. His intellect confounds me!
Morgan, at 24, is married to a beautiful woman, Amanda, and they have blessed themselves and our family with a gorgeous grand baby, Alexis Lily. Morgan’s compassion, kindness and care show everyday in his work (at JA), his nurturing of Alexis and his deep love to and for Amanda. I am positive we could all learn a lot just watching Morgan pour his life into both of his girls. I KNOW our Lord is also, very proud of him.
Through the race, I reflected back to their adoptions in Guatemala and California. I contemplated what would have become of them; where would they be?.... what would their lives have been like if we had not adopted them? Yet, what smacked me in the head at mile 5 was, “What would our lives have been like without them?” I could not consider that thought but a moment. It caused me deep emotional pain and really started messing up my race. Their adoptions were not about us “saving” them; it was about fulfilling God’s plan for their lives. We were willing stewards who were chosen, (for some reason), to make sure the plan stayed the course.
The race became nothing more than a setting to pray and be thankful for the boys. My time of 2:17:19 meant nothing to me as I ran in a cloud of memories and emotions. I understand there were about 3,000 runners in this race . I am not sure I noticed any of them (except my friend, Kelly Grable who ran with me a couple of miles, then darted into the blue). I was too high on a pride-induced euphoria. "Blessed" describes it all.
I am proud to say that I think Cameron and Morgan have learned that life is a gift from our creator. What they do with their lives is their gift back to our creator. They have done very, very well up to this point.
Next race: Maybe (or maybe not) Steamboat, Colorado on June 1st. About 8,500 feet but a slow decline to the finish.
Cameron graduated from the University of Colorado School of Law last weekend (the 113th commencement). He ranked in the top 15% of the class in a law school ranked 32nd in the nation and 7th in a twenty-eight state region including the Rockies, Mid-West and the South. He has already secured a clerkship with a Denver District Court Judge that may pave his way into any litigation firm or public defenders office he chooses to apply to in a year or two. Criminal law seems to be his direction at this moment. His intellect confounds me!
Morgan, at 24, is married to a beautiful woman, Amanda, and they have blessed themselves and our family with a gorgeous grand baby, Alexis Lily. Morgan’s compassion, kindness and care show everyday in his work (at JA), his nurturing of Alexis and his deep love to and for Amanda. I am positive we could all learn a lot just watching Morgan pour his life into both of his girls. I KNOW our Lord is also, very proud of him.
Through the race, I reflected back to their adoptions in Guatemala and California. I contemplated what would have become of them; where would they be?.... what would their lives have been like if we had not adopted them? Yet, what smacked me in the head at mile 5 was, “What would our lives have been like without them?” I could not consider that thought but a moment. It caused me deep emotional pain and really started messing up my race. Their adoptions were not about us “saving” them; it was about fulfilling God’s plan for their lives. We were willing stewards who were chosen, (for some reason), to make sure the plan stayed the course.
The race became nothing more than a setting to pray and be thankful for the boys. My time of 2:17:19 meant nothing to me as I ran in a cloud of memories and emotions. I understand there were about 3,000 runners in this race . I am not sure I noticed any of them (except my friend, Kelly Grable who ran with me a couple of miles, then darted into the blue). I was too high on a pride-induced euphoria. "Blessed" describes it all.
I am proud to say that I think Cameron and Morgan have learned that life is a gift from our creator. What they do with their lives is their gift back to our creator. They have done very, very well up to this point.
Next race: Maybe (or maybe not) Steamboat, Colorado on June 1st. About 8,500 feet but a slow decline to the finish.
BTW: I came in FIRST place in my age division at the Nike 5K race in Denver on May 4th. I ran it in honor of my dad who was born on the same date and passed in 1997.
Lawrence Half Marathon, University of Kansas, Lawrence, Kansas, April 20, 2008
Number 18 (82 to go)
Below, is the original short story, “Wizard of the Road” written by Emile Munier of Paris, France (he really did exist-but he was a painter). Frank Baum was inspired by Emile’s manuscript and rewrote the story into a mediocre fantasy and called it the “Wizard of Oz.”
The following is an abridged and modern version of Emile’s classic. The original manuscript rests in the tomb of Napoleon the III.
Once upon a time, a girl named Dorothy Gazordenplatts lived in the midst of the great Kansas prairies, with her Uncle Henry, who was a farmer, and her Aunt Em, who was her uncle’s wife. Dorothy had a boy friend, Mikie Toto, a half marathoner on the weekends, and a manure salesman during the week.
As Dorothy and Mikie sat on the porch of her uncle’s lavish 1.3 million dollars farm house nestled in the pasture and farm land of the Oz Hills Estates, Dorothy was doing her best to console her boyfriend. “Mikie, you have to forget your last marathon before you try another, big boy (Dorothy always thought Mikie was pretty hunky!). Your mind cannot know what is coming! Three half marathons in three weeks, plus the Horsetooth tragedy, could make a tin man lose heart and Hillary Clinton seek one out.”
Nonetheless, Mikie could not accept the fact that he should not run a third race in as many weeks and Mikie clung to the fantasy that this race through Oz Land would be his shining moment in half marathon history. His fantasy of this race included weather that was perfect, a course that was clear and fast, and a race in which all the other runners were having a bad day. With those visions in his mind, Mikie ignored the advice of Dorothy, Dr. Phil and even Pope Benedict and he signed up for the race. He had to: “Because, because, because, because, because …….. because of the wonderful things he does.”
Sadly, Mikie’s fantasy turned into quite an interesting psychodrama! The actual race had many unforeseen factors that Mikie would experience after the starting gun was fired. They were as follows:
1.) All the runners were required to run on a narrow yellow brick path while being harassed by tornado strength winds and tormented by a very Wicked Witch from Colorado (aka Mrs. Broomstick Grant) swooping down on the runners as they tried to complete the course. A little water dumped on the Wicked Witch at the third water station melted her intentions AND her! (It is ok for the reader to see and hear, in their mind’s eye, the cackle & shrill of the witch saying: I’m melting, I’m melting-you will not be punished by God......good always triumphs over evil).
2.) Mikie had to contend with a geriatric man dressed in a silver running suit (seriously). This man, of apparent bionic abilities, seemed to be having mechanical difficulties. He persisted in dropping multiple “gifts” from his body (nuts, bolts, gears and crankcase oil) along the path. Mikie had to jump over these deposits which effected his stride, significantly.
3.) A cowardly Kansas State Wildcat cheerleader had to be subdued by Mikie, (aka the University of California Alum). Mikie showed incredible courage (the poor Kansas Jay Hawk runners tried to beat back the Wild Cat runner, but failed and needed the help of the indomitable Bruin/Highlander) by beating the Wildcat by MANY minutes (even though there was an age difference of well over 35 years).
4.) And, last but not least, Mikie SHAMED a runner representing the Obama Presidential Campaign on a 4.8% hill by Kansas University’s Memorial Stadium (I am not kidding-the dope was wearing an Obama shirt on Bob Doyle/Eisenhower terra firma). Hopefully, this trumping foretells future scenes of a political campaign built within a house of straw or at least a candidate with NO BRAIN. Bottom-line, the straw man was blown apart as the Republican runner (i.e. Mikie) blew past him (there WAS thunderous applause as Mikie motored past the “mule”).
Time: 2:09:19. Certainly not Billy Mills or Jim Ryun time (both Kansas natives) but my 4th fastest time and a WHOLE lot better than the Horsetooth, last week. If I had worn Jared Johnson’s (former teacher at JA-now in MN, in love!) ruby-sequined running shoes I am QUITE SURE I would have had my best time ever.
Prayer List: JA employees: cafeteria workers, occupational therapist, Spanish teacher, playground supervisor, janitor, financial admin. asst, technology teacher, special ed. teacher, clinic aide, educational assistant, the principal's admin. asst. and the 13th mile was a prayer for my entire JA staff (66 very special people)!!!
Next Race: The Nike 5K to raise money for our school, which I will not write about. I heard that "Oh, thank God!" (I took 2nd place in my age division last year). Then the dreaded Colfax Marathon in May. I am going to rest and train "lightly" for a couple of weeks, unless I have to run from lions and tigers and bears, (oh my), again!
Below, is the original short story, “Wizard of the Road” written by Emile Munier of Paris, France (he really did exist-but he was a painter). Frank Baum was inspired by Emile’s manuscript and rewrote the story into a mediocre fantasy and called it the “Wizard of Oz.”
The following is an abridged and modern version of Emile’s classic. The original manuscript rests in the tomb of Napoleon the III.
Once upon a time, a girl named Dorothy Gazordenplatts lived in the midst of the great Kansas prairies, with her Uncle Henry, who was a farmer, and her Aunt Em, who was her uncle’s wife. Dorothy had a boy friend, Mikie Toto, a half marathoner on the weekends, and a manure salesman during the week.
As Dorothy and Mikie sat on the porch of her uncle’s lavish 1.3 million dollars farm house nestled in the pasture and farm land of the Oz Hills Estates, Dorothy was doing her best to console her boyfriend. “Mikie, you have to forget your last marathon before you try another, big boy (Dorothy always thought Mikie was pretty hunky!). Your mind cannot know what is coming! Three half marathons in three weeks, plus the Horsetooth tragedy, could make a tin man lose heart and Hillary Clinton seek one out.”
Nonetheless, Mikie could not accept the fact that he should not run a third race in as many weeks and Mikie clung to the fantasy that this race through Oz Land would be his shining moment in half marathon history. His fantasy of this race included weather that was perfect, a course that was clear and fast, and a race in which all the other runners were having a bad day. With those visions in his mind, Mikie ignored the advice of Dorothy, Dr. Phil and even Pope Benedict and he signed up for the race. He had to: “Because, because, because, because, because …….. because of the wonderful things he does.”
Sadly, Mikie’s fantasy turned into quite an interesting psychodrama! The actual race had many unforeseen factors that Mikie would experience after the starting gun was fired. They were as follows:
1.) All the runners were required to run on a narrow yellow brick path while being harassed by tornado strength winds and tormented by a very Wicked Witch from Colorado (aka Mrs. Broomstick Grant) swooping down on the runners as they tried to complete the course. A little water dumped on the Wicked Witch at the third water station melted her intentions AND her! (It is ok for the reader to see and hear, in their mind’s eye, the cackle & shrill of the witch saying: I’m melting, I’m melting-you will not be punished by God......good always triumphs over evil).
2.) Mikie had to contend with a geriatric man dressed in a silver running suit (seriously). This man, of apparent bionic abilities, seemed to be having mechanical difficulties. He persisted in dropping multiple “gifts” from his body (nuts, bolts, gears and crankcase oil) along the path. Mikie had to jump over these deposits which effected his stride, significantly.
3.) A cowardly Kansas State Wildcat cheerleader had to be subdued by Mikie, (aka the University of California Alum). Mikie showed incredible courage (the poor Kansas Jay Hawk runners tried to beat back the Wild Cat runner, but failed and needed the help of the indomitable Bruin/Highlander) by beating the Wildcat by MANY minutes (even though there was an age difference of well over 35 years).
4.) And, last but not least, Mikie SHAMED a runner representing the Obama Presidential Campaign on a 4.8% hill by Kansas University’s Memorial Stadium (I am not kidding-the dope was wearing an Obama shirt on Bob Doyle/Eisenhower terra firma). Hopefully, this trumping foretells future scenes of a political campaign built within a house of straw or at least a candidate with NO BRAIN. Bottom-line, the straw man was blown apart as the Republican runner (i.e. Mikie) blew past him (there WAS thunderous applause as Mikie motored past the “mule”).
Time: 2:09:19. Certainly not Billy Mills or Jim Ryun time (both Kansas natives) but my 4th fastest time and a WHOLE lot better than the Horsetooth, last week. If I had worn Jared Johnson’s (former teacher at JA-now in MN, in love!) ruby-sequined running shoes I am QUITE SURE I would have had my best time ever.
Prayer List: JA employees: cafeteria workers, occupational therapist, Spanish teacher, playground supervisor, janitor, financial admin. asst, technology teacher, special ed. teacher, clinic aide, educational assistant, the principal's admin. asst. and the 13th mile was a prayer for my entire JA staff (66 very special people)!!!
Next Race: The Nike 5K to raise money for our school, which I will not write about. I heard that "Oh, thank God!" (I took 2nd place in my age division last year). Then the dreaded Colfax Marathon in May. I am going to rest and train "lightly" for a couple of weeks, unless I have to run from lions and tigers and bears, (oh my), again!
Horsetooth Half Marathon, Fort Collins, Colorado, April 13, 2008
Race Number 17-this was the toughest one I have ever run.
“Doctor, doctor! I think we are beginning to lose him.” Nurse Ratched exclaims as she tries to hide the fact that she has shut off all life support systems to the infamous half-marathoner, Mikie Munier.
Dr. Kevorkian responds, “You wench! You were supposed to tell me when his Gatorade levels dropped below acceptable levels! Do you think that a runner of his caliber (i.e. low) can be sustained on a cheap sports drink and a banana? My research has shown that runners need a balanced diet of Twinkies, Hostess crème filled cupcakes, with the squiggly on top, (no substitutes) AND Brussels sprouts, braised with chestnuts in a brown sauce that has been thickened with an arrowroot roux! THERE IS NO TIME TO WASTE! He needs that plump yet manageable suppository full of the essence of a double caramel latte/non-fat/no whip/with sprinkles, inserted as quickly as possible!! It is his only chance at survival!”
Nurse Ratched needed no more encouragement. Her malevolent mind began to languish in delivering some additional pain to her nemesis and “McMurphy look-alike.”
“Nurse, hand me his electroencephalography (EEG) results!” barks Dr. Kevorkian. He begins to examine the chart below. (the first spike is Monster Mountain, the second, Dam Mountain)
In a shrill voice, the doctor exclaims, “Wait, this is not his EEG……. this is the course profile for the race this idiot was running when he collapsed at the finish line. Boy, he had to scale some very steep hills. The 9.2%, 6.4%, 5.9% and 5.1% hills would make a roadrunner (beep, beep) puke, puke! Any one of those hills could have instigated the heart, lung and leg problems. I understand his legs completely failed him on the downward miles.”
Nurse Ratched smirked. She did not like seeing Munier/McMurphy getting all this attention, especially when you consider that she thought he was better prepared for the downhill miles. She pushed a bit harder on the suppository instrument.
Within minutes, Mikie was revived (although a suppository with a double mocha/whole milk/ with whip, would have been more effective)!
With the heart of a caring psychoanalyst, Dr. Kevorkian then asked Mikie, “Granted, you are a stupid and ignorant soul, but tell me, why would any sane or partially-balanced person attempt a race with the elevation and hill challenges that this race provided?”
Mikie, in his most convincing and existential voice and tone said, “Well, Doctor [of Death], I like running hills because you can see the top. You know that the hill is not going to keep appearing; it is there and once you get to the top, it is behind you, and you feel as though you have conquered something.”
The Doctor rubbed his chin for a short moment, picked at his left nostril and then glanced at Nurse Ratched and said, “Get my largest syringe full of my Kevorkian cocktail. I need to put this guy out of his misery!”
Time for this race: 2:24:50 (I think my worse time). Three and a half miles of steep hills, intestinal issues prior to the race, and poor sleep took their toll on my legs. I could not move them quick enough. Nevertheless, ending at the New Belgium Brewery was a special treat for obvious reasons!
.
Prayer List: Jefferson Academy staff including our special education staff (2), literacy specialists (2), enrichment specialists (2), clinic aide, librarian, permanent sub, administrative assistant, and our general music teacher as well as two of our educational assistants. Extraordinary folks with wonderful hearts and teaching gifts!
Next race: Would you believe, next Sunday in Kansas? I am not that concerned with the race or whether my body can handle it (ha!). Its the lions and tigers and bears (OH MY!).
“Doctor, doctor! I think we are beginning to lose him.” Nurse Ratched exclaims as she tries to hide the fact that she has shut off all life support systems to the infamous half-marathoner, Mikie Munier.
Dr. Kevorkian responds, “You wench! You were supposed to tell me when his Gatorade levels dropped below acceptable levels! Do you think that a runner of his caliber (i.e. low) can be sustained on a cheap sports drink and a banana? My research has shown that runners need a balanced diet of Twinkies, Hostess crème filled cupcakes, with the squiggly on top, (no substitutes) AND Brussels sprouts, braised with chestnuts in a brown sauce that has been thickened with an arrowroot roux! THERE IS NO TIME TO WASTE! He needs that plump yet manageable suppository full of the essence of a double caramel latte/non-fat/no whip/with sprinkles, inserted as quickly as possible!! It is his only chance at survival!”
Nurse Ratched needed no more encouragement. Her malevolent mind began to languish in delivering some additional pain to her nemesis and “McMurphy look-alike.”
“Nurse, hand me his electroencephalography (EEG) results!” barks Dr. Kevorkian. He begins to examine the chart below. (the first spike is Monster Mountain, the second, Dam Mountain)
In a shrill voice, the doctor exclaims, “Wait, this is not his EEG……. this is the course profile for the race this idiot was running when he collapsed at the finish line. Boy, he had to scale some very steep hills. The 9.2%, 6.4%, 5.9% and 5.1% hills would make a roadrunner (beep, beep) puke, puke! Any one of those hills could have instigated the heart, lung and leg problems. I understand his legs completely failed him on the downward miles.”
Nurse Ratched smirked. She did not like seeing Munier/McMurphy getting all this attention, especially when you consider that she thought he was better prepared for the downhill miles. She pushed a bit harder on the suppository instrument.
Within minutes, Mikie was revived (although a suppository with a double mocha/whole milk/ with whip, would have been more effective)!
With the heart of a caring psychoanalyst, Dr. Kevorkian then asked Mikie, “Granted, you are a stupid and ignorant soul, but tell me, why would any sane or partially-balanced person attempt a race with the elevation and hill challenges that this race provided?”
Mikie, in his most convincing and existential voice and tone said, “Well, Doctor [of Death], I like running hills because you can see the top. You know that the hill is not going to keep appearing; it is there and once you get to the top, it is behind you, and you feel as though you have conquered something.”
The Doctor rubbed his chin for a short moment, picked at his left nostril and then glanced at Nurse Ratched and said, “Get my largest syringe full of my Kevorkian cocktail. I need to put this guy out of his misery!”
Time for this race: 2:24:50 (I think my worse time). Three and a half miles of steep hills, intestinal issues prior to the race, and poor sleep took their toll on my legs. I could not move them quick enough. Nevertheless, ending at the New Belgium Brewery was a special treat for obvious reasons!
.
Prayer List: Jefferson Academy staff including our special education staff (2), literacy specialists (2), enrichment specialists (2), clinic aide, librarian, permanent sub, administrative assistant, and our general music teacher as well as two of our educational assistants. Extraordinary folks with wonderful hearts and teaching gifts!
Next race: Would you believe, next Sunday in Kansas? I am not that concerned with the race or whether my body can handle it (ha!). Its the lions and tigers and bears (OH MY!).
Platte River/Buckhorn Exchange Half Marathon, Denver, Colorado, April 6, 2008
Race Number 16 (84 to go!)
(BTW: grammar mistakes intended)
Hey there, buckaroos! This here is Henry H. "Shorty Scout" Zietz (my nickname was given to me by Chief Sitting Bull, cuz of my diminutive stature). I am the founder of the Buckhorn Exchange Restaurant, Colorado's most historic eating and drinking establishment. I use to ride with Buffalo Bill as a scout and performed in his cowboy and Indian extravaganzas. My saloon, which has liquor license Number One in the State of Colorado, was founded in 1893.
I am right proud that a horde of runners have seen fit to run 13.1 miles from downtown Littleton, Colorado to my famous establishment here in Denver! I understand that there is a nasty roustabout by the name of “Barmy Mikie’ Munier in the midst of this race that is a com’in to my establishment. I tell you, last time he wuz here, he created all kinds of commotion. I am going to make sure he checks his plastic Lone Ranger six-shooter and his Daisy Red Ryder BB Air Rifle at the door (and yes, the rifle had the standard warning label on it that read: ‘Not a toy. Adult supervision required. Misuse or careless use may cause serious injury, especially to the eyes –‘YOU COULD SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT, DUMBY’). I am going to make sure he ties up his little stick toy pony, too. It was truly embarrassing to see a grown man “gallop’in” into my establishment with that stick pony (with a dreadful multi-colored mane) cradled between his legs, slapping his rear, yelling ‘yippee-ki-yay’ and asking for a serv’in of jackalope and a glass of chocolaty Ovaltine. He’d been better off sav’in that act for the San Francisco marathon!!
I understand that them runners had a real nice run along the South Platte River where many of my wild and eager miner friends use to journey with their mules to get into town for a square meal, a hearty drink, and a chance to enlighten us with their stories of the frontier. The runners who bellied up to the bar told me that “Barmy Mikie” had a little trouble finding his stride cuz he was hav'in major back spasms on Friday and Saturday. He came galloping in around 2:15:15. The Monty Python Flying Circus fellows would have been proud!
Well, excuse me folks. I’ve got to get back to my customers. A gang of presidents that have all occasioned my saloon before (Theodore Roosevelt, Franklin Roosevelt, Dwight Eisenhower, Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan) walked in the door and it seems they are all at loggerheads over who gets the last order of Rocky Mountain Oysters. Seems to me the two democrats could split the order cuz they probably need a bit more bull in their diet (editor’s note: joke intended to offend Democrats, not slam FDR. I have the greatest respect for FDR as a war-time president versus his party affiliation-he was a rock during one of our nation’s greatest challenges).
Prayer List: The family of Kaden Vierra. Kaden was a two and a half year old brother of two of our students at Jefferson Academy. Kaden passed away on March 12th, losing his battle to brain cancer. We love you Monkey Boy!
Next race: Next Sunday, April 13th (confirming my madness). It is the Horsetooth Half Marathon outside Fort Collins, Colorado. Wait until you see the course profile for this race!
TALK TO YOU IN A WEEK.
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