Race Number 12 (88 to go!!)
(Imagine a noisy, out-of-control classroom, somewhere in Colorado.)
“Class, today we will work on our vocabulary. Mikie, can you give me the definition of STUPID?”
“Sure, Mrs. Grant. Should I refrain from using the word in a sentence that references you.” Mikie says with a smirk on his sweet little face.
Mrs. Grant, with her usual frown says, “Yes, Mikie. That would be disrespectful and I will send you to Mr. Munier’s office.”
Mikie sinks in his chair and murmurs under his breath, “Big deal-he’s a cream puff any way. He TOTALLY understands why I cut up in fourth grade. In fact, he has encouraged me to make life miserable for Mrs. Grant.”
Mikie thinks for about three and one-half seconds and begins vocalizing his definition. “The definition of STUPID is when you decide to run a half marathon within two weeks of your last one. Now, the definition of REALLY STUPID is when you decide to run a half marathon within two weeks of your last one AND you marry off your youngest son in that two week period and have NO time to train. The definition of INCREDIBLY STUPID is when you decide to run a half marathon within two weeks of your last one, marry off your youngest son AND go to Outdoor Education Lab with 54 sixth graders for FOUR DAYS and NIGHTS within that two week period. The definition of INCONCEIVABLY STUPID is when all the above are in place and you run that half marathon in 35 degree weather, in a steady rain, at 5,280 feet!”
“Oh, Mikie, do you know anyone THAT stupid?” asks Mrs. Grant.
“Yes, Mrs. Grant, I do. In fact, I have a list of people who are that stupid, but I will keep that to myself, cuz the ladies in the school office might get offended. But, I REALLY think Mr. Munier is that stupid, cuz he did all the those things”
“Wow” Mrs. Grant responds. “I think Mr. Munier is not STUPID at all. I think he may be the the smartest and toughest man I have ever known. In fact, I think he is related to Superman, Popeye and Einstein. He should be your hero and role model, Mikie.”
Mikie blurbs out, “Oh my gosh! Stupid is as stupid does, Mrs. Grant!!! Gag me with a dead maggot!”
Editor’s Note: The above conversation actually took place in Mrs. Grant’s classroom. Mikie was expelled from school and sent to a special school for gifted and talented smart-alec's. He probably will never grow up even with special help.
Actually the race was reasonable. The race took place in downtown Denver, going past the Pepsi Center (home of the Avs), Coors Field (how about those Rockies), up Gilpin Street (a one mile 3 % grade) and through the quint parts of Lodo and the Highlands. Frostbitten finger tips were the only real problems I experienced. I had a real hard time opening my free bag of potato chips. Time: 2:17:09.
Prayer List this run: Amanda and Morgan Munier married by me on October 6th. I prayed for them at every mile marker. They are such a good match! Blessings forever, kids!
Next race? Not sure yet, but I need to run at least one race by the end of November. I am looking at a race in Fort Collins, Colorado on November 3rd or Tulsa on November 18th. Stay tuned.
Boulder “Back Roads” Half Marathon – September 2007
Race Number 11 (89 to go)
As told by Jed Clampett of the Beverly Hillbillies (excuse the spell’ins, I spells the way I talks).
Hey, yu all. Jed here reportin’ for the Ozark Skunk Gazette on the Boulder BackWOODS Half Marathon rite here in the backwoods of hippie-ville (Boulder, Colorado). My distant Lebanese cousin, Mikie, is running with Jethro, Ellie Mae and Amy Lou Bloom (Editor’s note: Amy is the JA parent Mike has run with at Disneyland) and it seemed fittin’ to tell you what these pole cats are doin’.
Don’t seem right that the chillin’ did not eat Granny’s cookin’ before this race. When I runs the Kentucky Half Wit Marathon some years in the past, the hogback, gizzards, and crawdad compote made me run reals fast (right to the darn outhouse to be exact). Anyone who has gawked at Jethro or Ellie Mae knows Granny's cooking is nutritious. Whens I run the “Boulder 10,000 Meter for the Stars and Bars Saloon,” I tries Granny’s new rec-i-pees for possum, squirrel and groundhog, but thems hearty traditional meals made me stop at every one of thems port-o-lets that these so-called backwoods “natural and holistic” folks in Boulder seem to have scattered all over the countryside.
It was darn rite cool at the start of the race. But a used trash bag over Mikie’s skinny body kept the kid (kid!-he ain’t no kid-he’s an old poop) warm. We sure did not want hims to get p-new-moe-nie (pneumonia).
Mikie and Amy Lou started the race facin’ the 25 knot wind and the poor kids had to run UPHILL for most of 6.5 miles. Thems kids ran a smokin’ hot pace. Theys run by thems outhouses (why do they even have thems outhouses out there-In my hollow, me just use a tree), a goat farm (for reals), and a pasture farm for animals (not sure what they do there). Strange that there were no cee-ment ponds (swimming pools) to cool off in during the run. I think that would have been rite nice of the race promoters to have provided that. The only critters to be seen was a dead snake on the road. Amy Lou picked it up to use in her fay-ver-rite road kill dinner recipe she was gonna fix for her man that night.
Well, about mile 11 prove ex-cite-ing! Amy Lou starts runnin’ like a bee-stung cat and she leaves Mikie in her dust. Now Mikie was fixin' ta try to catch her but he had no moe water in his well. But as Granny always sez, “Don’t you worry, hon, she may be runnin’ but she may be runnin’ with a hole in her bucket.” We-e-e-ll doggies, Granny was right!!! Mikie ended up catchin’ her on mile 13, cuz he got a big surge of energy just like a flea on a fat dog!
Now, Mikie, he is kinda modest (most of the time), but once he crossed that finish line he started squawkin’ like a two-pound chicken who’d just laid a three-pound egg. He seemed to be mighty proud of his 2:17:00 time, considerin' the conditions. Amy Lou came in just behind him. She had not really trained for this race much, so we Clampett’s was quite proud of her!!
By the way, Jethro, did not finish the race. He got a whif of a pretty girl carrin’ a bag of that striped candy you get in the store and he got his “scent” throd off. Come to think of it, I did not raise the sharpest pencil in the box. Fact is, Jethro is so stupid, if his brains were lard, they wouldn’t grease too big a pan, at all!
Next race for Mikie looks like it might be the Denver Marathon on October 14th. That seems to be awfully close to this race. Hope he does not over do it. One of these days I've got to have a long talk with that boy about settin’ goals. I think he has less smarts than Jethro!
P.S. The prayer list included more of our JA staff: Some of our aides, specials teachers, cafeteria manager and building engineer. Thirteen very special and loyal people who think Mikie has psychological problems.
As told by Jed Clampett of the Beverly Hillbillies (excuse the spell’ins, I spells the way I talks).
Hey, yu all. Jed here reportin’ for the Ozark Skunk Gazette on the Boulder BackWOODS Half Marathon rite here in the backwoods of hippie-ville (Boulder, Colorado). My distant Lebanese cousin, Mikie, is running with Jethro, Ellie Mae and Amy Lou Bloom (Editor’s note: Amy is the JA parent Mike has run with at Disneyland) and it seemed fittin’ to tell you what these pole cats are doin’.
Don’t seem right that the chillin’ did not eat Granny’s cookin’ before this race. When I runs the Kentucky Half Wit Marathon some years in the past, the hogback, gizzards, and crawdad compote made me run reals fast (right to the darn outhouse to be exact). Anyone who has gawked at Jethro or Ellie Mae knows Granny's cooking is nutritious. Whens I run the “Boulder 10,000 Meter for the Stars and Bars Saloon,” I tries Granny’s new rec-i-pees for possum, squirrel and groundhog, but thems hearty traditional meals made me stop at every one of thems port-o-lets that these so-called backwoods “natural and holistic” folks in Boulder seem to have scattered all over the countryside.
It was darn rite cool at the start of the race. But a used trash bag over Mikie’s skinny body kept the kid (kid!-he ain’t no kid-he’s an old poop) warm. We sure did not want hims to get p-new-moe-nie (pneumonia).
Mikie and Amy Lou started the race facin’ the 25 knot wind and the poor kids had to run UPHILL for most of 6.5 miles. Thems kids ran a smokin’ hot pace. Theys run by thems outhouses (why do they even have thems outhouses out there-In my hollow, me just use a tree), a goat farm (for reals), and a pasture farm for animals (not sure what they do there). Strange that there were no cee-ment ponds (swimming pools) to cool off in during the run. I think that would have been rite nice of the race promoters to have provided that. The only critters to be seen was a dead snake on the road. Amy Lou picked it up to use in her fay-ver-rite road kill dinner recipe she was gonna fix for her man that night.
Well, about mile 11 prove ex-cite-ing! Amy Lou starts runnin’ like a bee-stung cat and she leaves Mikie in her dust. Now Mikie was fixin' ta try to catch her but he had no moe water in his well. But as Granny always sez, “Don’t you worry, hon, she may be runnin’ but she may be runnin’ with a hole in her bucket.” We-e-e-ll doggies, Granny was right!!! Mikie ended up catchin’ her on mile 13, cuz he got a big surge of energy just like a flea on a fat dog!
Now, Mikie, he is kinda modest (most of the time), but once he crossed that finish line he started squawkin’ like a two-pound chicken who’d just laid a three-pound egg. He seemed to be mighty proud of his 2:17:00 time, considerin' the conditions. Amy Lou came in just behind him. She had not really trained for this race much, so we Clampett’s was quite proud of her!!
By the way, Jethro, did not finish the race. He got a whif of a pretty girl carrin’ a bag of that striped candy you get in the store and he got his “scent” throd off. Come to think of it, I did not raise the sharpest pencil in the box. Fact is, Jethro is so stupid, if his brains were lard, they wouldn’t grease too big a pan, at all!
Next race for Mikie looks like it might be the Denver Marathon on October 14th. That seems to be awfully close to this race. Hope he does not over do it. One of these days I've got to have a long talk with that boy about settin’ goals. I think he has less smarts than Jethro!
P.S. The prayer list included more of our JA staff: Some of our aides, specials teachers, cafeteria manager and building engineer. Thirteen very special and loyal people who think Mikie has psychological problems.
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