Rocky Mountain Half Marathon, Denver, Colorado, June 8, 2008

Race Number 20

OnStar: Hello, this is OnStar

Customer Mikie Marathoner: [In a slightly whimpering voice] I’ve hit the “wall.” I need your help. I can’t make it up this hill to the end of the race. It is called Marine’s Hill and its slope is 5-10% for a whole mile!

OnStar: Is the wall ok, sir? I can send out a repair crew.

Customer Mikie Marathoner: No, you idiot, I have not hit “a” wall, I have hit “the” wall. I need help getting pass the imaginary, somewhat documented incident of hitting a point in the race when you think you have no more fuel in your tank to complete the race.

OnStar: OK, sir, I need you to stay with me and listen very closely. I’m going to ask you some diagnostic questions to pinpoint the problem. Do you own action figures?

Customer Mikie Marathoner: Uh, well…… I use too, when I was twelve years old. Actually they were LA Dodger bobble head dolls. Does that count?

OnStar: [partially off mic] We’ve got a real piece of work on the line, guys!

On Star: I guess that will do. Sir, how old are you?

Customer Mikie Marathoner: I am 39.

OnStar: Sir?

Customer Mikie Marathoner: OK, I am 51.

OnStar: Sir?

Customer Mikie Marathoner: [with obvious loathing] Oh, sweet Jesus! I am almost 59 years old. Why does that matter?

OnStar: Calm down, sir. It is standard procedure to ask that particular question when “Bobble Head Dolls” are the identified action figure. In my sensitivity training, I learned that people of your age really had no need for action figures because your creative minds had yet to be destroyed by Mattel Toys Inc.

Second question, sir....... If one of your Dodger bobble dolls were running this race, which one would it be, Maury Wills or Duke Snider?

Customer Mikie Marathoner: Well, Maury Wills, of course. He was a great, Gold Glove Dodger shortstop and set a major league record for stealing bases in 1962 (104) and beat Ty Cobb’s 1915 long-standing base stealing record (94). The “Duke” was a slow, slightly overweight right fielder with short legs and a beer belly. Nobody with the name "Duke" can run well anyway! (e.g. Marmaduke, Duke Ellington, Patty Duke, Duke of Earl, Dukie Houser, M.D., Duke Kahanamoku-The Father of Surfing-----you get my point)

OnStar: Good choice, sir. Now imagine you are Maury Wills as you climb that hill and get over that ridiculous imaginary wall you are letting hold you back. I want you to push yourself, HARD, and quit the stinking whining. Also, do not, I REPEAT, DO NOT bobble your head as you run as that will screw up your stride and it also looks very gawky. It could result in the need for chiropractic services which are not a part of your OnStar plan, unless you upgrade today.

Customer Mikie Marathoner: [with GREAT excitement] Oh, my! I can see Maury in my mind’s eye…. I am feeling empowered……. I am flying up the hill and through the “wall”……..OH, MY GOSH. ………………Ouch, THAT HURT!!!!

OnStar: Sir? Are you ok?

Customer Mikie Marathoner: Yeah, yeah, I forgot I was running a race and tried to slide into second base. I have lost at least ten layers of skin off my right buttock on the asphalt. Oh, my,………….there is a lot of blood running down my leg right into my Saucony Hurricane's. My foot feels kind of slushy in my shoe (Editor’s note: sorry, I could not resist getting a bit gross-I blame it on a mutated gene pool) .

OnStar: Sir, the imagery I helped you develop was only supposed to get you moving faster and not put you into a Timothy Leary state. According to our service agreement, you cannot file suit or expect us to pay for medical services at the end of the race. Excuse the reference, sir, but you are a REAL bobble head!

Customer Mikie Marathoner: Well, thank you anyway. [Then, in a deep, slow southern accent] OnStar, you have saved my life! Maybe I can thank you in person some time!

OnStar: We’d rather you didn’t, sir.

Time: My last minute entry into this race resulted in a terrible 2:26:54 time. I hardly trained for this event due to end-of-year school activities (and original plans to raft the Green River in Utah with the Granholm's, Amanda Munier's parents), running only 50 miles in May (I usually run 125-150 miles a month). May is a tough month to get mileage accrued. My time reflects this problem.

Prayer List: My 16 charter principal colleagues at the 15 charter schools in the Jeffco School District. They have worked hard, they are tired but as usual, another incredible year of achievement and service to kids.

Next Race: June 28th. The Slacker Half Marathon from Loveland Ski Resort, CO (10,600 ft) to Georgetown, CO (8,400 ft). It is known as the highest, downhill half marathon in the country.