Lawrence Half Marathon, University of Kansas, Lawrence, Kansas, April 20, 2008

Number 18 (82 to go)

Below, is the original short story, “Wizard of the Road” written by Emile Munier of Paris, France (he really did exist-but he was a painter). Frank Baum was inspired by Emile’s manuscript and rewrote the story into a mediocre fantasy and called it the “Wizard of Oz.”

The following is an abridged and modern version of Emile’s classic. The original manuscript rests in the tomb of Napoleon the III.

Once upon a time, a girl named Dorothy Gazordenplatts lived in the midst of the great Kansas prairies, with her Uncle Henry, who was a farmer, and her Aunt Em, who was her uncle’s wife. Dorothy had a boy friend, Mikie Toto, a half marathoner on the weekends, and a manure salesman during the week.

As Dorothy and Mikie sat on the porch of her uncle’s lavish 1.3 million dollars farm house nestled in the pasture and farm land of the Oz Hills Estates, Dorothy was doing her best to console her boyfriend. “Mikie, you have to forget your last marathon before you try another, big boy (Dorothy always thought Mikie was pretty hunky!). Your mind cannot know what is coming! Three half marathons in three weeks, plus the Horsetooth tragedy, could make a tin man lose heart and Hillary Clinton seek one out.”

Nonetheless, Mikie could not accept the fact that he should not run a third race in as many weeks and Mikie clung to the fantasy that this race through Oz Land would be his shining moment in half marathon history. His fantasy of this race included weather that was perfect, a course that was clear and fast, and a race in which all the other runners were having a bad day. With those visions in his mind, Mikie ignored the advice of Dorothy, Dr. Phil and even Pope Benedict and he signed up for the race. He had to: “Because, because, because, because, because …….. because of the wonderful things he does.”

Sadly, Mikie’s fantasy turned into quite an interesting psychodrama! The actual race had many unforeseen factors that Mikie would experience after the starting gun was fired. They were as follows:

1.) All the runners were required to run on a narrow yellow brick path while being harassed by tornado strength winds and tormented by a very Wicked Witch from Colorado (aka Mrs. Broomstick Grant) swooping down on the runners as they tried to complete the course. A little water dumped on the Wicked Witch at the third water station melted her intentions AND her! (It is ok for the reader to see and hear, in their mind’s eye, the cackle & shrill of the witch saying: I’m melting, I’m melting-you will not be punished by God......good always triumphs over evil).

2.) Mikie had to contend with a geriatric man dressed in a silver running suit (seriously). This man, of apparent bionic abilities, seemed to be having mechanical difficulties. He persisted in dropping multiple “gifts” from his body (nuts, bolts, gears and crankcase oil) along the path. Mikie had to jump over these deposits which effected his stride, significantly.

3.) A cowardly Kansas State Wildcat cheerleader had to be subdued by Mikie, (aka the University of California Alum). Mikie showed incredible courage (the poor Kansas Jay Hawk runners tried to beat back the Wild Cat runner, but failed and needed the help of the indomitable Bruin/Highlander) by beating the Wildcat by MANY minutes (even though there was an age difference of well over 35 years).

4.) And, last but not least, Mikie SHAMED a runner representing the Obama Presidential Campaign on a 4.8% hill by Kansas University’s Memorial Stadium (I am not kidding-the dope was wearing an Obama shirt on Bob Doyle/Eisenhower terra firma). Hopefully, this trumping foretells future scenes of a political campaign built within a house of straw or at least a candidate with NO BRAIN. Bottom-line, the straw man was blown apart as the Republican runner (i.e. Mikie) blew past him (there WAS thunderous applause as Mikie motored past the “mule”).

Time: 2:09:19. Certainly not Billy Mills or Jim Ryun time (both Kansas natives) but my 4th fastest time and a WHOLE lot better than the Horsetooth, last week. If I had worn Jared Johnson’s (former teacher at JA-now in MN, in love!) ruby-sequined running shoes I am QUITE SURE I would have had my best time ever.

Prayer List: JA employees: cafeteria workers, occupational therapist, Spanish teacher, playground supervisor, janitor, financial admin. asst, technology teacher, special ed. teacher, clinic aide, educational assistant, the principal's admin. asst. and the 13th mile was a prayer for my entire JA staff (66 very special people)!!!

Next Race: The Nike 5K to raise money for our school, which I will not write about. I heard that "Oh, thank God!" (I took 2nd place in my age division last year). Then the dreaded Colfax Marathon in May. I am going to rest and train "lightly" for a couple of weeks, unless I have to run from lions and tigers and bears, (oh my), again!