Horsetooth Half Marathon, Fort Collins, Colorado, April 13, 2008

Race Number 17-this was the toughest one I have ever run.

“Doctor, doctor! I think we are beginning to lose him.” Nurse Ratched exclaims as she tries to hide the fact that she has shut off all life support systems to the infamous half-marathoner, Mikie Munier.

Dr. Kevorkian responds, “You wench! You were supposed to tell me when his Gatorade levels dropped below acceptable levels! Do you think that a runner of his caliber (i.e. low) can be sustained on a cheap sports drink and a banana? My research has shown that runners need a balanced diet of Twinkies, Hostess crème filled cupcakes, with the squiggly on top, (no substitutes) AND Brussels sprouts, braised with chestnuts in a brown sauce that has been thickened with an arrowroot roux! THERE IS NO TIME TO WASTE! He needs that plump yet manageable suppository full of the essence of a double caramel latte/non-fat/no whip/with sprinkles, inserted as quickly as possible!! It is his only chance at survival!”

Nurse Ratched needed no more encouragement. Her malevolent mind began to languish in delivering some additional pain to her nemesis and “McMurphy look-alike.”

“Nurse, hand me his electroencephalography (EEG) results!” barks Dr. Kevorkian. He begins to examine the chart below. (the first spike is Monster Mountain, the second, Dam Mountain)

In a shrill voice, the doctor exclaims, “Wait, this is not his EEG……. this is the course profile for the race this idiot was running when he collapsed at the finish line. Boy, he had to scale some very steep hills. The 9.2%, 6.4%, 5.9% and 5.1% hills would make a roadrunner (beep, beep) puke, puke! Any one of those hills could have instigated the heart, lung and leg problems. I understand his legs completely failed him on the downward miles.”

Nurse Ratched smirked. She did not like seeing Munier/McMurphy getting all this attention, especially when you consider that she thought he was better prepared for the downhill miles. She pushed a bit harder on the suppository instrument.

Within minutes, Mikie was revived (although a suppository with a double mocha/whole milk/ with whip, would have been more effective)!

With the heart of a caring psychoanalyst, Dr. Kevorkian then asked Mikie, “Granted, you are a stupid and ignorant soul, but tell me, why would any sane or partially-balanced person attempt a race with the elevation and hill challenges that this race provided?”

Mikie, in his most convincing and existential voice and tone said, “Well, Doctor [of Death], I like running hills because you can see the top. You know that the hill is not going to keep appearing; it is there and once you get to the top, it is behind you, and you feel as though you have conquered something.”

The Doctor rubbed his chin for a short moment, picked at his left nostril and then glanced at Nurse Ratched and said, “Get my largest syringe full of my Kevorkian cocktail. I need to put this guy out of his misery!”

Time for this race: 2:24:50 (I think my worse time). Three and a half miles of steep hills, intestinal issues prior to the race, and poor sleep took their toll on my legs. I could not move them quick enough. Nevertheless, ending at the New Belgium Brewery was a special treat for obvious reasons!
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Prayer List: Jefferson Academy staff including our special education staff (2), literacy specialists (2), enrichment specialists (2), clinic aide, librarian, permanent sub, administrative assistant, and our general music teacher as well as two of our educational assistants. Extraordinary folks with wonderful hearts and teaching gifts!

Next race: Would you believe, next Sunday in Kansas? I am not that concerned with the race or whether my body can handle it (ha!). Its the lions and tigers and bears (OH MY!).