Number 18 (82 to go)
Below, is the original short story, “Wizard of the Road” written by Emile Munier of Paris, France (he really did exist-but he was a painter). Frank Baum was inspired by Emile’s manuscript and rewrote the story into a mediocre fantasy and called it the “Wizard of Oz.”
The following is an abridged and modern version of Emile’s classic. The original manuscript rests in the tomb of Napoleon the III.
Once upon a time, a girl named Dorothy Gazordenplatts lived in the midst of the great Kansas prairies, with her Uncle Henry, who was a farmer, and her Aunt Em, who was her uncle’s wife. Dorothy had a boy friend, Mikie Toto, a half marathoner on the weekends, and a manure salesman during the week.
As Dorothy and Mikie sat on the porch of her uncle’s lavish 1.3 million dollars farm house nestled in the pasture and farm land of the Oz Hills Estates, Dorothy was doing her best to console her boyfriend. “Mikie, you have to forget your last marathon before you try another, big boy (Dorothy always thought Mikie was pretty hunky!). Your mind cannot know what is coming! Three half marathons in three weeks, plus the Horsetooth tragedy, could make a tin man lose heart and Hillary Clinton seek one out.”
Nonetheless, Mikie could not accept the fact that he should not run a third race in as many weeks and Mikie clung to the fantasy that this race through Oz Land would be his shining moment in half marathon history. His fantasy of this race included weather that was perfect, a course that was clear and fast, and a race in which all the other runners were having a bad day. With those visions in his mind, Mikie ignored the advice of Dorothy, Dr. Phil and even Pope Benedict and he signed up for the race. He had to: “Because, because, because, because, because …….. because of the wonderful things he does.”
Sadly, Mikie’s fantasy turned into quite an interesting psychodrama! The actual race had many unforeseen factors that Mikie would experience after the starting gun was fired. They were as follows:
1.) All the runners were required to run on a narrow yellow brick path while being harassed by tornado strength winds and tormented by a very Wicked Witch from Colorado (aka Mrs. Broomstick Grant) swooping down on the runners as they tried to complete the course. A little water dumped on the Wicked Witch at the third water station melted her intentions AND her! (It is ok for the reader to see and hear, in their mind’s eye, the cackle & shrill of the witch saying: I’m melting, I’m melting-you will not be punished by God......good always triumphs over evil).
2.) Mikie had to contend with a geriatric man dressed in a silver running suit (seriously). This man, of apparent bionic abilities, seemed to be having mechanical difficulties. He persisted in dropping multiple “gifts” from his body (nuts, bolts, gears and crankcase oil) along the path. Mikie had to jump over these deposits which effected his stride, significantly.
3.) A cowardly Kansas State Wildcat cheerleader had to be subdued by Mikie, (aka the University of California Alum). Mikie showed incredible courage (the poor Kansas Jay Hawk runners tried to beat back the Wild Cat runner, but failed and needed the help of the indomitable Bruin/Highlander) by beating the Wildcat by MANY minutes (even though there was an age difference of well over 35 years).
4.) And, last but not least, Mikie SHAMED a runner representing the Obama Presidential Campaign on a 4.8% hill by Kansas University’s Memorial Stadium (I am not kidding-the dope was wearing an Obama shirt on Bob Doyle/Eisenhower terra firma). Hopefully, this trumping foretells future scenes of a political campaign built within a house of straw or at least a candidate with NO BRAIN. Bottom-line, the straw man was blown apart as the Republican runner (i.e. Mikie) blew past him (there WAS thunderous applause as Mikie motored past the “mule”).
Time: 2:09:19. Certainly not Billy Mills or Jim Ryun time (both Kansas natives) but my 4th fastest time and a WHOLE lot better than the Horsetooth, last week. If I had worn Jared Johnson’s (former teacher at JA-now in MN, in love!) ruby-sequined running shoes I am QUITE SURE I would have had my best time ever.
Prayer List: JA employees: cafeteria workers, occupational therapist, Spanish teacher, playground supervisor, janitor, financial admin. asst, technology teacher, special ed. teacher, clinic aide, educational assistant, the principal's admin. asst. and the 13th mile was a prayer for my entire JA staff (66 very special people)!!!
Next Race: The Nike 5K to raise money for our school, which I will not write about. I heard that "Oh, thank God!" (I took 2nd place in my age division last year). Then the dreaded Colfax Marathon in May. I am going to rest and train "lightly" for a couple of weeks, unless I have to run from lions and tigers and bears, (oh my), again!
Horsetooth Half Marathon, Fort Collins, Colorado, April 13, 2008
Race Number 17-this was the toughest one I have ever run.
“Doctor, doctor! I think we are beginning to lose him.” Nurse Ratched exclaims as she tries to hide the fact that she has shut off all life support systems to the infamous half-marathoner, Mikie Munier.
Dr. Kevorkian responds, “You wench! You were supposed to tell me when his Gatorade levels dropped below acceptable levels! Do you think that a runner of his caliber (i.e. low) can be sustained on a cheap sports drink and a banana? My research has shown that runners need a balanced diet of Twinkies, Hostess crème filled cupcakes, with the squiggly on top, (no substitutes) AND Brussels sprouts, braised with chestnuts in a brown sauce that has been thickened with an arrowroot roux! THERE IS NO TIME TO WASTE! He needs that plump yet manageable suppository full of the essence of a double caramel latte/non-fat/no whip/with sprinkles, inserted as quickly as possible!! It is his only chance at survival!”
Nurse Ratched needed no more encouragement. Her malevolent mind began to languish in delivering some additional pain to her nemesis and “McMurphy look-alike.”
“Nurse, hand me his electroencephalography (EEG) results!” barks Dr. Kevorkian. He begins to examine the chart below. (the first spike is Monster Mountain, the second, Dam Mountain)
In a shrill voice, the doctor exclaims, “Wait, this is not his EEG……. this is the course profile for the race this idiot was running when he collapsed at the finish line. Boy, he had to scale some very steep hills. The 9.2%, 6.4%, 5.9% and 5.1% hills would make a roadrunner (beep, beep) puke, puke! Any one of those hills could have instigated the heart, lung and leg problems. I understand his legs completely failed him on the downward miles.”
Nurse Ratched smirked. She did not like seeing Munier/McMurphy getting all this attention, especially when you consider that she thought he was better prepared for the downhill miles. She pushed a bit harder on the suppository instrument.
Within minutes, Mikie was revived (although a suppository with a double mocha/whole milk/ with whip, would have been more effective)!
With the heart of a caring psychoanalyst, Dr. Kevorkian then asked Mikie, “Granted, you are a stupid and ignorant soul, but tell me, why would any sane or partially-balanced person attempt a race with the elevation and hill challenges that this race provided?”
Mikie, in his most convincing and existential voice and tone said, “Well, Doctor [of Death], I like running hills because you can see the top. You know that the hill is not going to keep appearing; it is there and once you get to the top, it is behind you, and you feel as though you have conquered something.”
The Doctor rubbed his chin for a short moment, picked at his left nostril and then glanced at Nurse Ratched and said, “Get my largest syringe full of my Kevorkian cocktail. I need to put this guy out of his misery!”
Time for this race: 2:24:50 (I think my worse time). Three and a half miles of steep hills, intestinal issues prior to the race, and poor sleep took their toll on my legs. I could not move them quick enough. Nevertheless, ending at the New Belgium Brewery was a special treat for obvious reasons!
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Prayer List: Jefferson Academy staff including our special education staff (2), literacy specialists (2), enrichment specialists (2), clinic aide, librarian, permanent sub, administrative assistant, and our general music teacher as well as two of our educational assistants. Extraordinary folks with wonderful hearts and teaching gifts!
Next race: Would you believe, next Sunday in Kansas? I am not that concerned with the race or whether my body can handle it (ha!). Its the lions and tigers and bears (OH MY!).
“Doctor, doctor! I think we are beginning to lose him.” Nurse Ratched exclaims as she tries to hide the fact that she has shut off all life support systems to the infamous half-marathoner, Mikie Munier.
Dr. Kevorkian responds, “You wench! You were supposed to tell me when his Gatorade levels dropped below acceptable levels! Do you think that a runner of his caliber (i.e. low) can be sustained on a cheap sports drink and a banana? My research has shown that runners need a balanced diet of Twinkies, Hostess crème filled cupcakes, with the squiggly on top, (no substitutes) AND Brussels sprouts, braised with chestnuts in a brown sauce that has been thickened with an arrowroot roux! THERE IS NO TIME TO WASTE! He needs that plump yet manageable suppository full of the essence of a double caramel latte/non-fat/no whip/with sprinkles, inserted as quickly as possible!! It is his only chance at survival!”
Nurse Ratched needed no more encouragement. Her malevolent mind began to languish in delivering some additional pain to her nemesis and “McMurphy look-alike.”
“Nurse, hand me his electroencephalography (EEG) results!” barks Dr. Kevorkian. He begins to examine the chart below. (the first spike is Monster Mountain, the second, Dam Mountain)
In a shrill voice, the doctor exclaims, “Wait, this is not his EEG……. this is the course profile for the race this idiot was running when he collapsed at the finish line. Boy, he had to scale some very steep hills. The 9.2%, 6.4%, 5.9% and 5.1% hills would make a roadrunner (beep, beep) puke, puke! Any one of those hills could have instigated the heart, lung and leg problems. I understand his legs completely failed him on the downward miles.”
Nurse Ratched smirked. She did not like seeing Munier/McMurphy getting all this attention, especially when you consider that she thought he was better prepared for the downhill miles. She pushed a bit harder on the suppository instrument.
Within minutes, Mikie was revived (although a suppository with a double mocha/whole milk/ with whip, would have been more effective)!
With the heart of a caring psychoanalyst, Dr. Kevorkian then asked Mikie, “Granted, you are a stupid and ignorant soul, but tell me, why would any sane or partially-balanced person attempt a race with the elevation and hill challenges that this race provided?”
Mikie, in his most convincing and existential voice and tone said, “Well, Doctor [of Death], I like running hills because you can see the top. You know that the hill is not going to keep appearing; it is there and once you get to the top, it is behind you, and you feel as though you have conquered something.”
The Doctor rubbed his chin for a short moment, picked at his left nostril and then glanced at Nurse Ratched and said, “Get my largest syringe full of my Kevorkian cocktail. I need to put this guy out of his misery!”
Time for this race: 2:24:50 (I think my worse time). Three and a half miles of steep hills, intestinal issues prior to the race, and poor sleep took their toll on my legs. I could not move them quick enough. Nevertheless, ending at the New Belgium Brewery was a special treat for obvious reasons!
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Prayer List: Jefferson Academy staff including our special education staff (2), literacy specialists (2), enrichment specialists (2), clinic aide, librarian, permanent sub, administrative assistant, and our general music teacher as well as two of our educational assistants. Extraordinary folks with wonderful hearts and teaching gifts!
Next race: Would you believe, next Sunday in Kansas? I am not that concerned with the race or whether my body can handle it (ha!). Its the lions and tigers and bears (OH MY!).
Platte River/Buckhorn Exchange Half Marathon, Denver, Colorado, April 6, 2008
Race Number 16 (84 to go!)
(BTW: grammar mistakes intended)
Hey there, buckaroos! This here is Henry H. "Shorty Scout" Zietz (my nickname was given to me by Chief Sitting Bull, cuz of my diminutive stature). I am the founder of the Buckhorn Exchange Restaurant, Colorado's most historic eating and drinking establishment. I use to ride with Buffalo Bill as a scout and performed in his cowboy and Indian extravaganzas. My saloon, which has liquor license Number One in the State of Colorado, was founded in 1893.
I am right proud that a horde of runners have seen fit to run 13.1 miles from downtown Littleton, Colorado to my famous establishment here in Denver! I understand that there is a nasty roustabout by the name of “Barmy Mikie’ Munier in the midst of this race that is a com’in to my establishment. I tell you, last time he wuz here, he created all kinds of commotion. I am going to make sure he checks his plastic Lone Ranger six-shooter and his Daisy Red Ryder BB Air Rifle at the door (and yes, the rifle had the standard warning label on it that read: ‘Not a toy. Adult supervision required. Misuse or careless use may cause serious injury, especially to the eyes –‘YOU COULD SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT, DUMBY’). I am going to make sure he ties up his little stick toy pony, too. It was truly embarrassing to see a grown man “gallop’in” into my establishment with that stick pony (with a dreadful multi-colored mane) cradled between his legs, slapping his rear, yelling ‘yippee-ki-yay’ and asking for a serv’in of jackalope and a glass of chocolaty Ovaltine. He’d been better off sav’in that act for the San Francisco marathon!!
I understand that them runners had a real nice run along the South Platte River where many of my wild and eager miner friends use to journey with their mules to get into town for a square meal, a hearty drink, and a chance to enlighten us with their stories of the frontier. The runners who bellied up to the bar told me that “Barmy Mikie” had a little trouble finding his stride cuz he was hav'in major back spasms on Friday and Saturday. He came galloping in around 2:15:15. The Monty Python Flying Circus fellows would have been proud!
Well, excuse me folks. I’ve got to get back to my customers. A gang of presidents that have all occasioned my saloon before (Theodore Roosevelt, Franklin Roosevelt, Dwight Eisenhower, Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan) walked in the door and it seems they are all at loggerheads over who gets the last order of Rocky Mountain Oysters. Seems to me the two democrats could split the order cuz they probably need a bit more bull in their diet (editor’s note: joke intended to offend Democrats, not slam FDR. I have the greatest respect for FDR as a war-time president versus his party affiliation-he was a rock during one of our nation’s greatest challenges).
Prayer List: The family of Kaden Vierra. Kaden was a two and a half year old brother of two of our students at Jefferson Academy. Kaden passed away on March 12th, losing his battle to brain cancer. We love you Monkey Boy!
Next race: Next Sunday, April 13th (confirming my madness). It is the Horsetooth Half Marathon outside Fort Collins, Colorado. Wait until you see the course profile for this race!
TALK TO YOU IN A WEEK.
Mikie’s Year End Review-2007
Like many low quality magazines, newsletters or other public forums of self-indulgence, The Mikie, Half Marathoner blog has some year end thoughts and observations to share after a year of running from the mental health community.
I ran 13 half marathons this year. With that came some highs and lows, some good and some bad, some sky-scraping moments and some near-to-the-ground moments, some elevated moments and some flat moments, some lofty and some stumpy moments, some soaring and some crashing moments….. ok, I’ll stop. Sorry.
My Favorite Race in 2007:
It has to be the San Francisco Half Marathon. Perfect temperature, great setting, a chance to run over the Golden Gate Bridge and an opportunity to be with Cameron (his law school load has made it hard to spend anytime with him).
The Story I had the most fun writing in the Blog this year:
It’s the San Francisco Marathon, again. I had a belly laugh with Cameron as this story started to unfold in my sarcastic and twisted mind. The poor, pathetic “bridge phobic” runner I wrote about still ranks as one of my favorite running memories of the year. It was all true (at least the discussion that occurred behind me in corral three-he really did have a phobia).
Second Place: The Boyd Lake Half Marathon even though it might have smacked of heresy to some of you, I had a ball re-writing the first few verses of Genesis. Hey, God gave me this odd sense of humor!
Third Place: The Denver Half Marathon as I dealt with the definition of stupid and had to sort out my disdain for one of my fourth grade teachers, Mrs. Mona Grant. She really is a great teacher but I cannot stand being around her! ;-)
Worst race:
Victorville River Walk Half Marathon, by far. Summer heat, no water on the latter part of the course made this race, the race from Hades!
Best “Natural Scenery” Race:
It’s a tie. SF and Silver Strand Half Marathon in San Diego. It’s all about the ocean for this beach bum and surfer boy. In my dieing days, just get me to the ocean for a whiff of sea spray and I might get an extra couple of minutes of life.
Best “Human Scenery” Race:
The OC Half Marathon in Newport Beach, California, of course, where all the beautiful people live and an area known as the “Plastic Bible Belt.” Why is it a plastic bible belt? Lots of mega churches, lots of money and LOTS of plastic surgeons and botox.
Most Inspirational Race:
The Eisenhower Half Marathon in Kansas, by far. Running where Ike was born and raised was very special. As I ran, I often wondered if he walked, ran or biked the path I was running on. We owe so much to him as a military and political leader.
Number of sightings of Nurse Ratched this past year:
Actually I saw her at every race. That is why I keep running. I DO NOT want to go back to the ward!
Number of racial slurs flung my way because I am Lebanese:
Only one. That was at the Victorville race when I got on my camel to head back to the coast for a dip in the ocean.
Number of Greek God or “Grand Munier” references used to describe me in the “comments” section of the blog:
About two, I think, by Kim F. Kim does not wear her corrective lenses any more.
Number of Greek God references used to describe me in my dreams or during my frequent hallucinations:
That would be 48 to date (and counting). I sometimes forget to take my medication resulting in delusions of grandeur.
Number of times I have offended people with my blog entries:
This is probably too numerous to count. I apologize. Just block my e-mails as SPAM.
Number of calories burnt at most of the races:
Best guess is about 1,950 per race. Boy, am I glad they serve food at the end of these races. There is nothing better than a dry bagel and a cup of warm Gatorade at the end of 13.1 grueling miles (ha!). I wish the Lebanese community would sponsor a race and serve grape leaves, Kibbi and Baklava at the end of the race!!! Hey, Uncle Joe and Aunt Louise, do you want to sponsor that idea?
Number of people I prayed for during the races:
About 70 very special people! BTW: Our dear sweet student at JA, Shania (who had the liver transplant) is doing pretty well!
Total miles run this year in training and races:
I ran 851 miles this year. That resulted in 141 hours, 59 minutes and 8 seconds of galloping on pavement, treadmills or dirt. That is almost six, twenty-four hour days of running or three and a half work weeks based on a 40 hour work week (who does that anymore?). Whew, but why do I do this????
Forrest Gump can say it for me…. “For no particular reason I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean (actually, 851 miles only gets me to Baker, CA just outside the Mohave Desert, about 180 miles from Costa Mesa, CA where I grew up). And when I got there, I figured, since I'd gone this far, I might as well turn around, and just keep on going.”
I guess I will do the same.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!!
Pueblo Rock Canyon Half Marathon, Pueblo, Colorado-December 1, 2007
Race Number 15 (85 to go, for the non-math whiz!)
For me, the real joy of running and racing is finding out what I'm capable of on any given day. I start every race with my actual watch and my emotional watch set to 00:00. I try to stand at every starting line filled not with dread, but with curiosity. And I cross every finish line with a sense of awe and satisfaction.
DID I JUST WRITE THAT GARBAGE? Gosh, I wish that was true. What AWE? It is more like AWE SHUCKS, the ball of my right foot is in severe pain, AGAIN! Or, AWE SHUCKS, that annoying chaffing under my armpits is happening again. SATISFACTION?? I can’t get no satisfaction (Rolling Stones-1965) unless I am running past thirty and forty year olds murmuring under my breath, “Bye, Bye, have a nice run, SLOW POKE! (I don’t really do that.....most of the time).
I try so hard to beat my previous times and go where no other 58 year old “Captain Kirk want-to-be” has gone before- to the finish line having spent every precious calorie to the point of total exhaustion! But sometimes this body will not respond to the “call of the wild” inner man. The athlete of my youth keeps trying to rise from the ashes of defeat and cause this temple of God Almighty (or is it Almighty God-both are accurate) to be subjected to the ruin of Titus (i.e. Roman General who leveled, to the ground, the city and temple of Jerusalem in 70AD). I think the youthful idiot inside me needs to get a GRIP or at least reckon with the aging of the temple structure!
With that said: Can you guess how the race went? It was kind of AWEsome and kind of satisfying! I was just trying to get you to think I had a really poor race. Then maybe you would feel a bit sorry for me. Didn’t work, huh? Never works on my staff either.
The race was held in Pueblo (4,700 elv.-which means I probably gained about .0005% extra oxygen), a medium size city in Southern Colorado known for FOUR Congressional Medal of Honor recipients and the most dollar stores per square mile of any town or city in Colorado (you think I am kidding, huh). It was 28 degrees at the start and it warmed up to 58 degrees. The Rock Canyon sits below the Pueblo Dam. It was a “nice” one to two degree CLIMB to the concrete structure for eight miles with a 30 knot wind blowing in my face. Oh, that hurt. It REALLY hurt! As I trudged up the dirt and rock trail, I envisioned making the turn at the dam and coming down the "out and back course" with the wind at my back. Well, even though I have a little Irish in me from my mom’s side of the family, the luck part of that Irish did not make an appearance. Sure enough, the 30 knot wind SHIFTED and I had a very grim reality to face. Lean forward and stumble down the mountain trail as fast as I could. Time: 2:19:27-not an awe inspiring or satisfying performance. I will be better prepared for this race next year and wear my hiking boots! Or enlist the services of a llama. BTW: Do you know what the favorite food of llamas is? Llama Beans, of course!
Prayer List: I prayed for the soon to arrive grand baby (Morgan and Amanda’s). Gosh, the whole family can hardly wait!!
For me, the real joy of running and racing is finding out what I'm capable of on any given day. I start every race with my actual watch and my emotional watch set to 00:00. I try to stand at every starting line filled not with dread, but with curiosity. And I cross every finish line with a sense of awe and satisfaction.
DID I JUST WRITE THAT GARBAGE? Gosh, I wish that was true. What AWE? It is more like AWE SHUCKS, the ball of my right foot is in severe pain, AGAIN! Or, AWE SHUCKS, that annoying chaffing under my armpits is happening again. SATISFACTION?? I can’t get no satisfaction (Rolling Stones-1965) unless I am running past thirty and forty year olds murmuring under my breath, “Bye, Bye, have a nice run, SLOW POKE! (I don’t really do that.....most of the time).
I try so hard to beat my previous times and go where no other 58 year old “Captain Kirk want-to-be” has gone before- to the finish line having spent every precious calorie to the point of total exhaustion! But sometimes this body will not respond to the “call of the wild” inner man. The athlete of my youth keeps trying to rise from the ashes of defeat and cause this temple of God Almighty (or is it Almighty God-both are accurate) to be subjected to the ruin of Titus (i.e. Roman General who leveled, to the ground, the city and temple of Jerusalem in 70AD). I think the youthful idiot inside me needs to get a GRIP or at least reckon with the aging of the temple structure!
With that said: Can you guess how the race went? It was kind of AWEsome and kind of satisfying! I was just trying to get you to think I had a really poor race. Then maybe you would feel a bit sorry for me. Didn’t work, huh? Never works on my staff either.
The race was held in Pueblo (4,700 elv.-which means I probably gained about .0005% extra oxygen), a medium size city in Southern Colorado known for FOUR Congressional Medal of Honor recipients and the most dollar stores per square mile of any town or city in Colorado (you think I am kidding, huh). It was 28 degrees at the start and it warmed up to 58 degrees. The Rock Canyon sits below the Pueblo Dam. It was a “nice” one to two degree CLIMB to the concrete structure for eight miles with a 30 knot wind blowing in my face. Oh, that hurt. It REALLY hurt! As I trudged up the dirt and rock trail, I envisioned making the turn at the dam and coming down the "out and back course" with the wind at my back. Well, even though I have a little Irish in me from my mom’s side of the family, the luck part of that Irish did not make an appearance. Sure enough, the 30 knot wind SHIFTED and I had a very grim reality to face. Lean forward and stumble down the mountain trail as fast as I could. Time: 2:19:27-not an awe inspiring or satisfying performance. I will be better prepared for this race next year and wear my hiking boots! Or enlist the services of a llama. BTW: Do you know what the favorite food of llamas is? Llama Beans, of course!
Prayer List: I prayed for the soon to arrive grand baby (Morgan and Amanda’s). Gosh, the whole family can hardly wait!!
Silver Strand Half Marathon-San Diego, California - November 11, 2007
Race Number 14 on my 40th High School Reunion Weekend
I was sitting at my desk at school, after waking from a long nap, (yea right) and I began getting very excited about going to my 40th high school reunion in Costa Mesa, California. All of a sudden, some very disturbing thoughts entered my mind:
1. What if…..no one shows up cuz they are all dead?
2. What if…..no one recognizes me or even worse;
3. What if .....No one cares I am even there!
Well, I’ll be darned if I was going to allow the trip to be a total bust if the above happened. So I figured I ought to at least run in a half marathon while I am in “smoky” California. It is just too tempting to run when you get the advantage of 20% more oxygen and you get the extra benefit of running by the ocean especially if you are a surfer boy like yours truly. The sea salt kinda gets my blood pressure hyped up!
So, I signed up for the Silver Strand Half Marathon in San Diego which takes place on Silver Strand Blvd and basically runs the entire length of San Diego Bay starting at Sunset Park in Coronado and finishing at Imperial Beach Pier.
The above “what if” scenarios did not occur, thank goodness. I had a very full Friday and Saturday with old friends. I am proud to say that many of them said that I had not changed (we wore our senior pictures around our necks). I think it was the fact that I still have hair (and the same dorky haircut) and my hair is only partially gray. Plus, the cellulite demon has not invaded my face and body (yet)! You can imagine those positive comments made me feel like Adonis when I woke up on Sunday morning to head to San Diego.
I did everything wrong in preparing for this race. I ate BBQ ribs and chicken on Saturday night as well as drank two large glasses of wine and had my share of cheap beer. I did not get wasted, like in high school (I used to worshiped the porcelain god in my mom’s bathroom on a semi-regular basis), but I would not call my “pre-race” meal something Olympic hopefuls should consider. Add to that that I got only five hours of sleep, I figured I was headed for a gut wrenching experience (porcelain god visions popped into my head, except in a porta-potty-GROSS)!
Now the super good news: No barfing, lots of energy and a 2:08:58 time!!! Do you believe that?!!! It was my third fastest time EVER! So much for pre-race traditions and protocol. Maybe Bud Light really is an energy drink!
The race had a one percent incline for about eight miles with a 6-7 knot wind blowing in my face. I ran past the Hotel Del Coronado, two BIG aircraft carriers and actually saw a whale surface around mile seven!!! After finishing at the pier, I entered the 62 degree water up to my knees to sooth my sore feet and calves. I could not go any further without my wet suit (yes, I am a bit wimpy when it comes to cold water). I stopped in San Clemente at my favorite taco place and drove by my mom’s old duplex that I wish I had bought from her (it is worth over $ 600,000 now and is walking distance from some good surfing at the San Clemente Pier).
Prayer List: My veteran friends from high school. Some of them made it back, some did not. Some are not the same after Vietnam.
Next race: Gosh, I don’t know. I will have to check my Greek God Social Calendar and decide where I should make an appearance for the benefit of all the mortals out there!
Heart Center of the Rockies Half Marathon at Boyd Lake - November 3, 2007
Race Number 13 (87 to go!)
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God looked upon the region in what was to be called Loveland, Colorado and he hath determined the need for a lake. So He caused the lake to be formed at the lowest point of the valley where the water from the mountains might flow to it. And God saw that it was good.
Then God said, “I will bring forth in the mind of a race promoter that this would be a good place for a half marathon in the cold twenty to thirty degree weather of November, and I shall name that race promoter SATAN. Then God spoke to the evil race promoter and said, “I want you to make sure that the runners will have to climb this steady grade of "just" one to two percent for nearly the ENTIRE marathon.” And God saw that it was good because it would cause the running sinners to suffer, TERRIBLY! And then God released an evil laugh (is that possible? Maybe it was just a competitive laugh) that could be heard throughout the universe.
Then God said, “Let the earth bring forth the human race (yes, the pun was intended) who will run in this half marathon, especially humans who like to run from the lowest point of a lake area, and climb the grade towards my creation of mountains called Rocky.” And it was so. Then God said, “If they do not come willingly, I will place the thought in the minds of at least 600+ running SINNERS that this is good for them to run in this race as a payback for all the trouble they have caused me. That will allow it to be a most profitable event for you and me.” The runners came from every corner of the land to join in on the spectacle. (Editor's note: I am not sure where the Free Will of Mankind Doctrine disappeared to, but I am not God so I cannot answer your concern). Then God said, “I will especially put the thought of running this race in the mind of an Arab man, from the tribe of Ishmael and the House of Munier. He especially deserves more punishment than most of human kind.” God instructed the sadistic race promoter to name the race “The Heart Center of the Rockies Half Marathon at Boyd Lake.” And God saw that it was VERY good (evil laugh/chuckle again).
Then God, sat back for eons, (most likely in his Easy Boy recliner) waiting oh-so patiently for the special day to arrive. And God delighted in the race (even more than the Crusades, the Reformation and the presidential term of Bill Clinton) and God saw everything that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the LORD God knew He was finished and had wrought a good thing, because the sinner that He had created this episode for, collapsed at the finish line after experiencing the punishment and torture of this run for two hours, sixteen minutes and twenty-four seconds. And God saw it was very, very, very good! Then, God took a nap and had pleasant dreams.
Editor's Note: The ancient scroll that this passage was “lifted from” is being kept in a special vault within the walls of a Panera Bread establishment in the city of Westminster, Colorado. Those who would like to verify the scroll's authenticity will need to prove their allegiance to the House of Munier by depositing $1,000,000 in the House of Munier bank account. At that point, the scroll will be revealed to you for a maximum of TEN seconds ($100,000 per second).
Also, for fear of being struck by lightening as you make contact with the House of Munier, I would suggest that all communication take place through e-mail only.
Prayer list: My esteemed and very hard working Board of Directors at Jefferson Academy. They are seven incredible people that I prayed for at each odd numbered mile!
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God looked upon the region in what was to be called Loveland, Colorado and he hath determined the need for a lake. So He caused the lake to be formed at the lowest point of the valley where the water from the mountains might flow to it. And God saw that it was good.
Then God said, “I will bring forth in the mind of a race promoter that this would be a good place for a half marathon in the cold twenty to thirty degree weather of November, and I shall name that race promoter SATAN. Then God spoke to the evil race promoter and said, “I want you to make sure that the runners will have to climb this steady grade of "just" one to two percent for nearly the ENTIRE marathon.” And God saw that it was good because it would cause the running sinners to suffer, TERRIBLY! And then God released an evil laugh (is that possible? Maybe it was just a competitive laugh) that could be heard throughout the universe.
Then God said, “Let the earth bring forth the human race (yes, the pun was intended) who will run in this half marathon, especially humans who like to run from the lowest point of a lake area, and climb the grade towards my creation of mountains called Rocky.” And it was so. Then God said, “If they do not come willingly, I will place the thought in the minds of at least 600+ running SINNERS that this is good for them to run in this race as a payback for all the trouble they have caused me. That will allow it to be a most profitable event for you and me.” The runners came from every corner of the land to join in on the spectacle. (Editor's note: I am not sure where the Free Will of Mankind Doctrine disappeared to, but I am not God so I cannot answer your concern). Then God said, “I will especially put the thought of running this race in the mind of an Arab man, from the tribe of Ishmael and the House of Munier. He especially deserves more punishment than most of human kind.” God instructed the sadistic race promoter to name the race “The Heart Center of the Rockies Half Marathon at Boyd Lake.” And God saw that it was VERY good (evil laugh/chuckle again).
Then God, sat back for eons, (most likely in his Easy Boy recliner) waiting oh-so patiently for the special day to arrive. And God delighted in the race (even more than the Crusades, the Reformation and the presidential term of Bill Clinton) and God saw everything that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the LORD God knew He was finished and had wrought a good thing, because the sinner that He had created this episode for, collapsed at the finish line after experiencing the punishment and torture of this run for two hours, sixteen minutes and twenty-four seconds. And God saw it was very, very, very good! Then, God took a nap and had pleasant dreams.
Editor's Note: The ancient scroll that this passage was “lifted from” is being kept in a special vault within the walls of a Panera Bread establishment in the city of Westminster, Colorado. Those who would like to verify the scroll's authenticity will need to prove their allegiance to the House of Munier by depositing $1,000,000 in the House of Munier bank account. At that point, the scroll will be revealed to you for a maximum of TEN seconds ($100,000 per second).
Also, for fear of being struck by lightening as you make contact with the House of Munier, I would suggest that all communication take place through e-mail only.
Prayer list: My esteemed and very hard working Board of Directors at Jefferson Academy. They are seven incredible people that I prayed for at each odd numbered mile!
The Denver Half Marathon-October 14. 2007
Race Number 12 (88 to go!!)
(Imagine a noisy, out-of-control classroom, somewhere in Colorado.)
“Class, today we will work on our vocabulary. Mikie, can you give me the definition of STUPID?”
“Sure, Mrs. Grant. Should I refrain from using the word in a sentence that references you.” Mikie says with a smirk on his sweet little face.
Mrs. Grant, with her usual frown says, “Yes, Mikie. That would be disrespectful and I will send you to Mr. Munier’s office.”
Mikie sinks in his chair and murmurs under his breath, “Big deal-he’s a cream puff any way. He TOTALLY understands why I cut up in fourth grade. In fact, he has encouraged me to make life miserable for Mrs. Grant.”
Mikie thinks for about three and one-half seconds and begins vocalizing his definition. “The definition of STUPID is when you decide to run a half marathon within two weeks of your last one. Now, the definition of REALLY STUPID is when you decide to run a half marathon within two weeks of your last one AND you marry off your youngest son in that two week period and have NO time to train. The definition of INCREDIBLY STUPID is when you decide to run a half marathon within two weeks of your last one, marry off your youngest son AND go to Outdoor Education Lab with 54 sixth graders for FOUR DAYS and NIGHTS within that two week period. The definition of INCONCEIVABLY STUPID is when all the above are in place and you run that half marathon in 35 degree weather, in a steady rain, at 5,280 feet!”
“Oh, Mikie, do you know anyone THAT stupid?” asks Mrs. Grant.
“Yes, Mrs. Grant, I do. In fact, I have a list of people who are that stupid, but I will keep that to myself, cuz the ladies in the school office might get offended. But, I REALLY think Mr. Munier is that stupid, cuz he did all the those things”
“Wow” Mrs. Grant responds. “I think Mr. Munier is not STUPID at all. I think he may be the the smartest and toughest man I have ever known. In fact, I think he is related to Superman, Popeye and Einstein. He should be your hero and role model, Mikie.”
Mikie blurbs out, “Oh my gosh! Stupid is as stupid does, Mrs. Grant!!! Gag me with a dead maggot!”
Editor’s Note: The above conversation actually took place in Mrs. Grant’s classroom. Mikie was expelled from school and sent to a special school for gifted and talented smart-alec's. He probably will never grow up even with special help.
Actually the race was reasonable. The race took place in downtown Denver, going past the Pepsi Center (home of the Avs), Coors Field (how about those Rockies), up Gilpin Street (a one mile 3 % grade) and through the quint parts of Lodo and the Highlands. Frostbitten finger tips were the only real problems I experienced. I had a real hard time opening my free bag of potato chips. Time: 2:17:09.
Prayer List this run: Amanda and Morgan Munier married by me on October 6th. I prayed for them at every mile marker. They are such a good match! Blessings forever, kids!
Next race? Not sure yet, but I need to run at least one race by the end of November. I am looking at a race in Fort Collins, Colorado on November 3rd or Tulsa on November 18th. Stay tuned.
(Imagine a noisy, out-of-control classroom, somewhere in Colorado.)
“Class, today we will work on our vocabulary. Mikie, can you give me the definition of STUPID?”
“Sure, Mrs. Grant. Should I refrain from using the word in a sentence that references you.” Mikie says with a smirk on his sweet little face.
Mrs. Grant, with her usual frown says, “Yes, Mikie. That would be disrespectful and I will send you to Mr. Munier’s office.”
Mikie sinks in his chair and murmurs under his breath, “Big deal-he’s a cream puff any way. He TOTALLY understands why I cut up in fourth grade. In fact, he has encouraged me to make life miserable for Mrs. Grant.”
Mikie thinks for about three and one-half seconds and begins vocalizing his definition. “The definition of STUPID is when you decide to run a half marathon within two weeks of your last one. Now, the definition of REALLY STUPID is when you decide to run a half marathon within two weeks of your last one AND you marry off your youngest son in that two week period and have NO time to train. The definition of INCREDIBLY STUPID is when you decide to run a half marathon within two weeks of your last one, marry off your youngest son AND go to Outdoor Education Lab with 54 sixth graders for FOUR DAYS and NIGHTS within that two week period. The definition of INCONCEIVABLY STUPID is when all the above are in place and you run that half marathon in 35 degree weather, in a steady rain, at 5,280 feet!”
“Oh, Mikie, do you know anyone THAT stupid?” asks Mrs. Grant.
“Yes, Mrs. Grant, I do. In fact, I have a list of people who are that stupid, but I will keep that to myself, cuz the ladies in the school office might get offended. But, I REALLY think Mr. Munier is that stupid, cuz he did all the those things”
“Wow” Mrs. Grant responds. “I think Mr. Munier is not STUPID at all. I think he may be the the smartest and toughest man I have ever known. In fact, I think he is related to Superman, Popeye and Einstein. He should be your hero and role model, Mikie.”
Mikie blurbs out, “Oh my gosh! Stupid is as stupid does, Mrs. Grant!!! Gag me with a dead maggot!”
Editor’s Note: The above conversation actually took place in Mrs. Grant’s classroom. Mikie was expelled from school and sent to a special school for gifted and talented smart-alec's. He probably will never grow up even with special help.
Actually the race was reasonable. The race took place in downtown Denver, going past the Pepsi Center (home of the Avs), Coors Field (how about those Rockies), up Gilpin Street (a one mile 3 % grade) and through the quint parts of Lodo and the Highlands. Frostbitten finger tips were the only real problems I experienced. I had a real hard time opening my free bag of potato chips. Time: 2:17:09.
Prayer List this run: Amanda and Morgan Munier married by me on October 6th. I prayed for them at every mile marker. They are such a good match! Blessings forever, kids!
Next race? Not sure yet, but I need to run at least one race by the end of November. I am looking at a race in Fort Collins, Colorado on November 3rd or Tulsa on November 18th. Stay tuned.
Boulder “Back Roads” Half Marathon – September 2007
Race Number 11 (89 to go)
As told by Jed Clampett of the Beverly Hillbillies (excuse the spell’ins, I spells the way I talks).
Hey, yu all. Jed here reportin’ for the Ozark Skunk Gazette on the Boulder BackWOODS Half Marathon rite here in the backwoods of hippie-ville (Boulder, Colorado). My distant Lebanese cousin, Mikie, is running with Jethro, Ellie Mae and Amy Lou Bloom (Editor’s note: Amy is the JA parent Mike has run with at Disneyland) and it seemed fittin’ to tell you what these pole cats are doin’.
Don’t seem right that the chillin’ did not eat Granny’s cookin’ before this race. When I runs the Kentucky Half Wit Marathon some years in the past, the hogback, gizzards, and crawdad compote made me run reals fast (right to the darn outhouse to be exact). Anyone who has gawked at Jethro or Ellie Mae knows Granny's cooking is nutritious. Whens I run the “Boulder 10,000 Meter for the Stars and Bars Saloon,” I tries Granny’s new rec-i-pees for possum, squirrel and groundhog, but thems hearty traditional meals made me stop at every one of thems port-o-lets that these so-called backwoods “natural and holistic” folks in Boulder seem to have scattered all over the countryside.
It was darn rite cool at the start of the race. But a used trash bag over Mikie’s skinny body kept the kid (kid!-he ain’t no kid-he’s an old poop) warm. We sure did not want hims to get p-new-moe-nie (pneumonia).
Mikie and Amy Lou started the race facin’ the 25 knot wind and the poor kids had to run UPHILL for most of 6.5 miles. Thems kids ran a smokin’ hot pace. Theys run by thems outhouses (why do they even have thems outhouses out there-In my hollow, me just use a tree), a goat farm (for reals), and a pasture farm for animals (not sure what they do there). Strange that there were no cee-ment ponds (swimming pools) to cool off in during the run. I think that would have been rite nice of the race promoters to have provided that. The only critters to be seen was a dead snake on the road. Amy Lou picked it up to use in her fay-ver-rite road kill dinner recipe she was gonna fix for her man that night.
Well, about mile 11 prove ex-cite-ing! Amy Lou starts runnin’ like a bee-stung cat and she leaves Mikie in her dust. Now Mikie was fixin' ta try to catch her but he had no moe water in his well. But as Granny always sez, “Don’t you worry, hon, she may be runnin’ but she may be runnin’ with a hole in her bucket.” We-e-e-ll doggies, Granny was right!!! Mikie ended up catchin’ her on mile 13, cuz he got a big surge of energy just like a flea on a fat dog!
Now, Mikie, he is kinda modest (most of the time), but once he crossed that finish line he started squawkin’ like a two-pound chicken who’d just laid a three-pound egg. He seemed to be mighty proud of his 2:17:00 time, considerin' the conditions. Amy Lou came in just behind him. She had not really trained for this race much, so we Clampett’s was quite proud of her!!
By the way, Jethro, did not finish the race. He got a whif of a pretty girl carrin’ a bag of that striped candy you get in the store and he got his “scent” throd off. Come to think of it, I did not raise the sharpest pencil in the box. Fact is, Jethro is so stupid, if his brains were lard, they wouldn’t grease too big a pan, at all!
Next race for Mikie looks like it might be the Denver Marathon on October 14th. That seems to be awfully close to this race. Hope he does not over do it. One of these days I've got to have a long talk with that boy about settin’ goals. I think he has less smarts than Jethro!
P.S. The prayer list included more of our JA staff: Some of our aides, specials teachers, cafeteria manager and building engineer. Thirteen very special and loyal people who think Mikie has psychological problems.
As told by Jed Clampett of the Beverly Hillbillies (excuse the spell’ins, I spells the way I talks).
Hey, yu all. Jed here reportin’ for the Ozark Skunk Gazette on the Boulder BackWOODS Half Marathon rite here in the backwoods of hippie-ville (Boulder, Colorado). My distant Lebanese cousin, Mikie, is running with Jethro, Ellie Mae and Amy Lou Bloom (Editor’s note: Amy is the JA parent Mike has run with at Disneyland) and it seemed fittin’ to tell you what these pole cats are doin’.
Don’t seem right that the chillin’ did not eat Granny’s cookin’ before this race. When I runs the Kentucky Half Wit Marathon some years in the past, the hogback, gizzards, and crawdad compote made me run reals fast (right to the darn outhouse to be exact). Anyone who has gawked at Jethro or Ellie Mae knows Granny's cooking is nutritious. Whens I run the “Boulder 10,000 Meter for the Stars and Bars Saloon,” I tries Granny’s new rec-i-pees for possum, squirrel and groundhog, but thems hearty traditional meals made me stop at every one of thems port-o-lets that these so-called backwoods “natural and holistic” folks in Boulder seem to have scattered all over the countryside.
It was darn rite cool at the start of the race. But a used trash bag over Mikie’s skinny body kept the kid (kid!-he ain’t no kid-he’s an old poop) warm. We sure did not want hims to get p-new-moe-nie (pneumonia).
Mikie and Amy Lou started the race facin’ the 25 knot wind and the poor kids had to run UPHILL for most of 6.5 miles. Thems kids ran a smokin’ hot pace. Theys run by thems outhouses (why do they even have thems outhouses out there-In my hollow, me just use a tree), a goat farm (for reals), and a pasture farm for animals (not sure what they do there). Strange that there were no cee-ment ponds (swimming pools) to cool off in during the run. I think that would have been rite nice of the race promoters to have provided that. The only critters to be seen was a dead snake on the road. Amy Lou picked it up to use in her fay-ver-rite road kill dinner recipe she was gonna fix for her man that night.
Well, about mile 11 prove ex-cite-ing! Amy Lou starts runnin’ like a bee-stung cat and she leaves Mikie in her dust. Now Mikie was fixin' ta try to catch her but he had no moe water in his well. But as Granny always sez, “Don’t you worry, hon, she may be runnin’ but she may be runnin’ with a hole in her bucket.” We-e-e-ll doggies, Granny was right!!! Mikie ended up catchin’ her on mile 13, cuz he got a big surge of energy just like a flea on a fat dog!
Now, Mikie, he is kinda modest (most of the time), but once he crossed that finish line he started squawkin’ like a two-pound chicken who’d just laid a three-pound egg. He seemed to be mighty proud of his 2:17:00 time, considerin' the conditions. Amy Lou came in just behind him. She had not really trained for this race much, so we Clampett’s was quite proud of her!!
By the way, Jethro, did not finish the race. He got a whif of a pretty girl carrin’ a bag of that striped candy you get in the store and he got his “scent” throd off. Come to think of it, I did not raise the sharpest pencil in the box. Fact is, Jethro is so stupid, if his brains were lard, they wouldn’t grease too big a pan, at all!
Next race for Mikie looks like it might be the Denver Marathon on October 14th. That seems to be awfully close to this race. Hope he does not over do it. One of these days I've got to have a long talk with that boy about settin’ goals. I think he has less smarts than Jethro!
P.S. The prayer list included more of our JA staff: Some of our aides, specials teachers, cafeteria manager and building engineer. Thirteen very special and loyal people who think Mikie has psychological problems.
Disneyland Half Marathon, September 3, 2007
Race Number Ten (90 to go)
I have always wanted to know what it felt like to push your body to near heat exhaustion in 95 degree heat as you put one foot in front of the other while cruising through your favorite childhood theme park (is that a run-on sentence?). The Disneyland Half Marathon left the start line at six in the morning and it was 82 degrees (and the sun had not appeared yet!). By the end of the race, it was 95 degrees and the medical staff got REAL busy. I am sure many people were glad that Kaiser Permanente sponsored the event. I am pretty sure they waived the co-pay.
The race director warned us that we were at a “Red” flag warning BEFORE the race even started. A Yellow flag means you stand the chance of getting heat stroke, a “Red” suggests you had better slow your pace so you don’t die and a “Black” flag means you are going to die if you run at all. During a Black flag, the race becomes a “Fun” run that they do not time. My question for the medical staff was, “If I just spent $230 on an airline ticket, $130 on a rental car and $100 to get into this stink’in event, will they use the Black flag to drape my withered body as they transport me to the morgue, IF I CHOOSE to run as if Mickey was chasing me to grab my but-tocks (Forrest emphasis, SF fears, again and another run-on sentence)? The doctor did not seem to be in, cuz he just looked at me with NO expression at all and turned his attention to more important matters.
Other than the flesh melting heat, it was a fun race. I ran through California Adventure (I have never been to that park) and then into Disneyland, which is always special because I grew up going to the park at least one to 4,000 times a year to have fun, pick up girls and run from the security guards. I ran down Main street (where we use to buy wine soaked cigars and walk around acting like big shots--I am not kidding—we were stupid punks) through Tomorrowland, past the submarines (gosh I loved those when I was a kid), and past the Matterhorn Mountain Bobsleds (where I urinated in my pants because the waist belt was too tight-Hey, I was eight years old and scared to death!). I had the unfortunate experience of running by the “It’s a Small World.” Are you aware of any sane person who thinks this is a cute ride? Most classroom teachers would like to ring the neck of these noisy, off pitch puppets and dolls. I also ran past Dumbo (no, Shelly, nor Janet, my administrative assistants competed in this race-I meant the ride, of course!) and then I blew past Tweedledee and Tweedledum at the Alice in Wonderland ride (Mona and Martha, both teachers at JA did not make the trip either, but their likenesses were shown proudly on the Alice marquee).
We exited Disneyland to experience the “special and altogether beautiful” light industrial areas of Anaheim and then we ran around the Honda Center where the Mighty Geese (Ducks) play hockey. Angel Stadium was next and we actually got to run on the warning track from the corner of right field around home plate and then out the left field gate. As runners crossed home plate, they flashed our dripping, struggling images on the Jumbo Tron. Considering I was wet from head to toe after dumping water on my body at EVERY water station, I did not look too bad, except for the blood I was coughing up on my yellow tank top (just kidding!). The finish had lots of well wishers, noise and music!
The medallion we received was really cool, like last year’s. BIG, SHINEY and it made the trip and run worth it. Jumping in the pool at Dave and Sandi’ house in Newport Beach was “priceless.”
BTW: My second cousin ran the race too. Michelle did very well, considering the conditions and it was her first half marathon. Amy Bloom, the parent I ran with last year, ran again, but I never saw her. In fact, her husband and kids did not see her, her mother did not see her, sooooooo, I was kind of wondering where she ran. Hummmm, it might be a case for Detective Donald Duck!
My time? A heat stroked aided 2:13:16. 56th out of 239, 55-59 year olds (top 23%). 1,358th out of 3,984 males (top 34%) and 2,197 out of 9,768 finishers (top 22%)
The prayer list this race: At each mile marker I prayed for each of my classroom teachers and their educational assistant. That was 26 very special folks of the 63 on our staff. Future races will include the rest of our incredible staff!
Next race: Most likely, the Boulder Backroads Half Marathon. Hitch’um up cowboy!!!
I have always wanted to know what it felt like to push your body to near heat exhaustion in 95 degree heat as you put one foot in front of the other while cruising through your favorite childhood theme park (is that a run-on sentence?). The Disneyland Half Marathon left the start line at six in the morning and it was 82 degrees (and the sun had not appeared yet!). By the end of the race, it was 95 degrees and the medical staff got REAL busy. I am sure many people were glad that Kaiser Permanente sponsored the event. I am pretty sure they waived the co-pay.
The race director warned us that we were at a “Red” flag warning BEFORE the race even started. A Yellow flag means you stand the chance of getting heat stroke, a “Red” suggests you had better slow your pace so you don’t die and a “Black” flag means you are going to die if you run at all. During a Black flag, the race becomes a “Fun” run that they do not time. My question for the medical staff was, “If I just spent $230 on an airline ticket, $130 on a rental car and $100 to get into this stink’in event, will they use the Black flag to drape my withered body as they transport me to the morgue, IF I CHOOSE to run as if Mickey was chasing me to grab my but-tocks (Forrest emphasis, SF fears, again and another run-on sentence)? The doctor did not seem to be in, cuz he just looked at me with NO expression at all and turned his attention to more important matters.
Other than the flesh melting heat, it was a fun race. I ran through California Adventure (I have never been to that park) and then into Disneyland, which is always special because I grew up going to the park at least one to 4,000 times a year to have fun, pick up girls and run from the security guards. I ran down Main street (where we use to buy wine soaked cigars and walk around acting like big shots--I am not kidding—we were stupid punks) through Tomorrowland, past the submarines (gosh I loved those when I was a kid), and past the Matterhorn Mountain Bobsleds (where I urinated in my pants because the waist belt was too tight-Hey, I was eight years old and scared to death!). I had the unfortunate experience of running by the “It’s a Small World.” Are you aware of any sane person who thinks this is a cute ride? Most classroom teachers would like to ring the neck of these noisy, off pitch puppets and dolls. I also ran past Dumbo (no, Shelly, nor Janet, my administrative assistants competed in this race-I meant the ride, of course!) and then I blew past Tweedledee and Tweedledum at the Alice in Wonderland ride (Mona and Martha, both teachers at JA did not make the trip either, but their likenesses were shown proudly on the Alice marquee).
We exited Disneyland to experience the “special and altogether beautiful” light industrial areas of Anaheim and then we ran around the Honda Center where the Mighty Geese (Ducks) play hockey. Angel Stadium was next and we actually got to run on the warning track from the corner of right field around home plate and then out the left field gate. As runners crossed home plate, they flashed our dripping, struggling images on the Jumbo Tron. Considering I was wet from head to toe after dumping water on my body at EVERY water station, I did not look too bad, except for the blood I was coughing up on my yellow tank top (just kidding!). The finish had lots of well wishers, noise and music!
The medallion we received was really cool, like last year’s. BIG, SHINEY and it made the trip and run worth it. Jumping in the pool at Dave and Sandi’ house in Newport Beach was “priceless.”
BTW: My second cousin ran the race too. Michelle did very well, considering the conditions and it was her first half marathon. Amy Bloom, the parent I ran with last year, ran again, but I never saw her. In fact, her husband and kids did not see her, her mother did not see her, sooooooo, I was kind of wondering where she ran. Hummmm, it might be a case for Detective Donald Duck!
My time? A heat stroked aided 2:13:16. 56th out of 239, 55-59 year olds (top 23%). 1,358th out of 3,984 males (top 34%) and 2,197 out of 9,768 finishers (top 22%)
The prayer list this race: At each mile marker I prayed for each of my classroom teachers and their educational assistant. That was 26 very special folks of the 63 on our staff. Future races will include the rest of our incredible staff!
Next race: Most likely, the Boulder Backroads Half Marathon. Hitch’um up cowboy!!!
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